Dear Snuffles
by AshNox
Summary: It started with a letter Harry sent during his fifth year, but now everyone at Hogwarts wants advice. ***'Dear Snuffles' letters from the students and staff at Hogwarts.***
1. 1 Harry

**Disclaimer: Sirius Black and the characters he corresponds with all belong to J K Rowling.  
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**It started because Harry wrote a letter, and the letter accidentally was pinned up on the notice board. The letter said…**

Dear Snuffles,

There's this girl.

She's pretty cool.

I wanted to go to the Yule Ball with her, but she went with one of the older boys.

She's a Quidditch Seeker, just like me.

Do you think that means we're meant to be,

Together,

Forever?

Bests,

Harry.

**The reply got pinned on the noticeboard as well.**

**The reply said…**


	2. 2 Ginny

Dear Harry,

Girls always go with older guys.

Everyone gets a turn at being the older guys eventually.

Don't rush to grow up.

And no, leave her alone. She's got a boyfriend.

Find yourself another Seeker, for one-on-one Quidditch Practices.

Bests,

Snuffles.

**.**

**.**

**A week after the letters had been pinned on the notice board Snuffles received a new letter. It said…**

.

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Dear Snuffles,

Just to let you know,

I'm a Seeker.

I'd be the Gryffindor Seeker,

But the one we already have is great.

He's the best in fact.

I've known he was, since the day we met.

The very best.

Just letting you know.

Yours Sincerely,

Miss. Seeker-Seeker.

**.**

**.**

**The reply came the following Sunday...**


	3. 3 Miss Bookworm

Dear Miss Seeker-Seeker,

This information has been stored and will be put to good use.

Snuffles.

**.**

**.**

**And after that the letters started coming thick and fast…**

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Dear Snuffles,

I currently attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and while I am very good at school work (apart from Divination which doesn't count because it's stupid),

I am slightly useless when it comes to boys.

My best friends are both boys, and I really like one of them but he's started going out with this stupid sappy girl in my year. Do you think he just sees me as a friend? Should I do something drastic so he realises I'm a girl?

Also I have a pen-friend who is this gorgeous, world famous Quidditch player who wants to marry me.

And finally, sometimes I get these strange crush-like feelings for this utterly horrible blond Slytherin boy in my year at school. Which is so weird because we hate each other.

I am so confused, Snuffles.

Please tell me what I should do.

Sincerely,

Miss Bookworm.

**.**

**.**

**So obviously, Snuffles did…**


	4. 4 D M

Dear Miss Bookworm,

What the hell! You freak! Slytherins suck!

Get your head out of the gutter and back in your books!

Of course he hates you! He's a Slytherin.

They hate everyone.

Hate them back. It's fun.

As to your best friend/boyfriend problem.

You are a teenage girl. He is a teenage boy.

So he definitely already know that you're a girl.

He is your best friend, this is clearly a match made in heaven.

I recommend jumping on him in the Hospital Wing, next time he's hurt or injured.

Maybe not actually jumping on top of him.

Hurt injured people get angry if you jump on them, even if you do it with much love.

So maybe just a kiss and some chocolate.

Obviously I haven't tried this technique myself, as I am not a girl. But I'm sure it will work a treat.

Good Luck with that,

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

P.S. You have a Famous Quidditch Player Penpal who just happens to be madly in love with you? Yeah, right, of course you do!

.

...

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Dear Snuffles.

I fancy my Potions Professor.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

D.M.


	5. 5 You Know Who

Dear D.M.

I feel so ill right now.

It's perfectly normal for teenagers to have crushes on teachers.

But not that one.

That is not normal.

Go to the Hospital Wing.

Go away.

Anywhere.

You are wrong.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

.

...

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Dear Snuffles,

Why doesn't anyone believe me about the Nargles?

Love from,

You Know Who

X


	6. 6 R W

Dear Person,

How would I possibly know who you are?

Unless you are Voldemort.

Assuming you are not the Dark Lord, I suggest you think of a better name to sign letters with.

As to the Nargles. Your fellow students don't believe you because they are too focused on reality.

I believe you, you crazy loon.

Love Snuffles.

.

...

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Dear Snuffles,

I've got a girlfriend.

None of my friends have yet.

It's cool.

Except I think I might be in love with my best friend.

Who's a girl, obviously.

I have another best friend, but I'm not in love with him, for definite.

Thank Merlin.

I saw her dancing with a famous Quidditch player, at the Yule Ball.

It was like being kicked in the stomach.

Why do I feel like this?

Sincerely,

R.W.


	7. 7 Argus Filch

Dear R.W.

A World famous Quidditch Player.

Who knew.

Please find enclosed Miss. Bookworks letter,

With my compliments.

Snuffles.

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….

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Dear Snuffles,

You chase my poor Mrs. Norris one more time and I'll beat you with a stick you nasty mutt.

I mean it,

Argus Filch.


	8. 8 Fred & George

Dear Argus,

No run.

No chase.

Just me, catching.

Snuffles.

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…..

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Dear Snuffles,

We're Beaters.

We are the coolest.

We do everything together.

We like it that way.

But there's only one Angelina Johnson.

Why?

Fred'n'George


	9. 9 Poppy Pomfrey

Dear Fred and George,

Thank you for your letter which was rather full of weird twin language.

I get that you are Beaters and very cool (in your own humble opinions).

But there is only one Angelina Johnson?

Of course there is only one Angelina Johnson!

I am not a twin, but I was a brother.

Treasure the time you have together.

Never fight over girls.

And probably just do what Angelina tells you to,

She's fierce.

Good Luck,

Snuffles.

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….

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Dear Snuffles,

Will you marry me?

Please.

Love always,

Poppy P.

X x x x


	10. 10 Draco again

Dear Poppy,

If I was going to marry anyone, there is no one sweeter than you.

For the years you looked after Remus month after month. You turned a blind eye to me, James and Peter slipping into the Hospital Ward, or the Shrieking Shack to make sure he was alright.

For these things you will always have my love and gratitude.

Unfortunately I am currently much too old, mad and wanted by the Ministry for crimes I didn't commit, to marry anyone.

And I couldn't deprive Hogwarts of such a lovely Matron.

Fondly,

Snuffles x

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…..

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Dear Snuffles,

You have to help me!

I was once cruelly transformed into a ferret and I still have small furry white ears.

I have grown my stupendous blond hair long and silky,

But I am the Slytherin Seeker and the wind will blow my hair back and reveal my shameful secret.

My father has heard about this, from me, but he's scared of Mad Eye Moody and no help at all.

What should I do, Snuffles?

Everyone will laugh at me.

Impatiently waiting for your reply,

D.M.


	11. 11 Neville

Dear D. M.

Ha hahahahahaha!

Ha hahaha ha ha!

Sorry.

Whatever you do, do NOT use these spells:

'_finite incantium_' (ends the charm)

'_episky_' or '_reparo_' (both repair damage)

If I know Mad-Eye, and actually I do, he'll have protected against school boy magic like this.

No, my young friend, what you need is…

'aurisaugeo engorgio' and 'epoximise'.

'epoximise' - Permanent Sticking Charm. I can guarantee its effects for a decade or more.

'engorgio' - Swelling Charm, which I have carefully combined with…

'aurisaugeo' - Ear-Lengthening Charm similar to 'densageo' (the Teeth-Lengthening Charm I heard you used on Miss. Hermione Granger).

Why would you want to enlarge and lengthen your humiliating ferret ears, before fixing them permanently that way?

Because that is the last thing Alastor Moody would expect.

Try it.

Definitely try it.

I am certain it will cause them to magically return to normal.

I am sure we won't be disappointed.

Please, please let me know how you get on with this.

Snuffles

P.S. Please make sure your father hears about this.

P.P.S And your mum. Please.

.

…..

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Dear Snuffles,

I have a serious problem that you probably can't help me with.

I am in Gryffindor but I'm not brave.

I'm not smart or funny and I'm certainly not handsome.

I'm big and ugly, I mess things up and if something bad happens, it always happens to me.

My dorm mates are all really nice, but I wish I had a best friend.

I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend, but that's okay because I am pretty rubbish.

I wish I was someone else.

Yours Sincerely

Neville


	12. 12 Draco yet again

Dear Neville,

Most of your reasons are pretty stupid.

The Sorting Hat put you in Gryffindor so you are brave.

_To be brave is not to act without fear, but to feel fear and do it anyway._

Strictly speaking the more frightened you are, the braver you have to be.

Secondly. Beauty is the eye of the beholder and utterly _utterly_ meaningless.

The people who truly love you, love you when you are young and beautiful and even more when you are old and scared or utterly wrecked.

If you are so superficial that you don't believe me, ask yourself how families like the Crabbes and Goyles manage to have children. Someone even looked at their dads and thought they'd like to make babies with them.

Also, you are apparently very good at Herbology, Dancing and now excel at Defence Against the Dark Arts.

You are loyal to your friends and kind.

I had to ask, because you didn't tell me any of that.

Who wouldn't love you?

Love yourself, more.

Snuffles.

P.S. I can set you up on a date, but only if you're open minded about Nargles.

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…..

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Dear Snuffles.

Your advice is not good.

You were wrong about the spells. They made my ears longer and swollen.

I didn't try the Permanent Sticking Charm in case they stayed like that, permanently.

Anyway, I have a new problem.

It's apples.

I really like them.

Too much maybe.

My father hasn't heard about this.

No one has.

Do you like apples?

I slightly love them.

One apple in particular.

Do all teenagers feel like this sometimes?

I am so confused.

D.M.


	13. 13 Victor Krum

Dear D.M.

Your letters are brilliant!

Please try the Permanent Sticking Charm. I'm sure you need to use all three spells together to make to make it work.

As to your new problem, yes it is perfectly normal for teenagers to be 'into apples'.

I advise you to tell all your friends. You will probably find plenty of them feel the same about apples.

Please write again soon,

Yours,

Snuffles.

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….

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Dear Mr. Snuffles,

You tell my Her-mon-niny she is liking of her friend Ron.

I is loving of Her-mon-niny, and never is shouting or sulking like moody Ron.

I is right one for my Her-mon-niny always.

You do not know.

Your nose should be kept out of my business unless you is liking to be hexed.

Signed,

Krum, Victor.


	14. 14 Rubeus Hagrid

Dear Victor,

Apologies.

People probably tell you that you could have anyone you want.

But who wants just anyone?

I was, myself, an utterly obnoxious teenager.

But I was much liked by girls, who prize looks over personality.

You could have your pick of girls who prize being famous over who you really are.

But instead you like that geeky Miss Granger, who doesn't even know a Bludger from a Quaffle.

That says a lot about the sort of person you are.

It says good things about who you are.

And you're cooler than Ron.

But she likes him.

And he likes her.

That's how it is.

Please don't loose any Quidditch games over her.

She's very bossy and opinionated anyway.

With Sympathy,

Snuffles.

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…..

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Dear Snuffles,

Hope you an' You-Know-Who are both well.

Yeh're good with animals, aren' you lad, So I've a question fer yeh.

I've loved 'em all, Fluffy, Norbert, Arachniana, even them Blast-Ended-Skrewts.

Maybe they've all been a bit too big, stupid and unlovable for everyones taste.

But meself, I loved 'em all.

Why does it always go wrong fer me and my pets?

Thanks

Rubeus Hagrid.


	15. 15 Harry again

Dear Rubus,

You-Know-Who does not live with me!

I do not live with Voldemort or that crazy school girl who believe in Nargles.

What I do have is a pet Werewolf, and a Hippogriff living in my dead mothers' bedroom.

Let's call this Hippogriff 'Witherwings'. He is as well as a flying wild-animal trapped in a bedroom can be.

Hippogriffs are not meant to live without their herd, in small bedrooms. They eat bags full of dead rats that have to be caught for them, daily. You probably know, having kept a _completely different_ Hippogriff in your cabin.

Why does it always go wrong for you and your pets? Because they are crazy monsters of course.

Still better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved.

And Fang is great. Dogs are the best. As long as they aren't massive, with three heads.

Yours Sincerely,

Snuffles and Witherwings.

PS I have been informed I do not have a 'pet' Werewolf.

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…

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Dear Snuffles,

Are you writing to my friends?!

Harry


	16. 16 Harry yet again

Dear Harry,

No.

Or course not.

Okay, maybe a bit.

But it's very dull here.

I've written to the odd teacher and arch enemy as well.

Sorry about that.

Snuffles.

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…..

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Dear Snuffles,

Don't write to my friends!

And don't write anything embarrassing!

And please, please, please promise me you have **not** written to Ginny Weasley.

Okay.

Also, how is a good way to tell a girl that you like her?

Bests,

Harry.


	17. 17 Hermione again

Dear Harry,

How is a good way to tell a girl you like her?

Or

How is a good way to tell Ginny Weasley you like her?

You do know that girl has six older brothers don't you?

Are you insane?

Also, do I look like a girl to you?

Girls just throw themselves at you.

At least they did when I was at Hogwarts.

All the time.

Maybe be you're doing something wrong?

Also, not wanting to put a downer on your teen-angst but there is a war on and Voldemort wants to kill you and anyone you care about so probably better to get a girlfriend you really don't like. Maybe that Pansy Parkinson?

Scrap that, I just remembered I have a letter from Ginny all about you.

Please find enclosed 'Miss Seeker-Seekers' letter.

Fondests,

Snuffles.

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….

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Dear Snuffles,

It's me, Hermione again.

I'm writing because one of the teachers here is horrible.

She has this quill. I can't tell you all about it, because I have promised I won't.

But I know it's not okay and the person she was horrible to won't tell anyone.

What should I do? Should I tell someone and break my friends trust? Or try and make him tell someone, again? I don't think he will.

What should I do?

I can't sleep at night thinking about it.

Please do something.

Hermione.


	18. 18 Crabbe

Dear Hermione,

I talked about this, because I felt your question was serious enough to warrant more than my opinion.

So, the way I see things, a promise is a promise. You said you won't tell, so you don't. If you think your friends wrong then tell them. But this isn't your problem. Your friend trusted you. It's up to them to say if they want to. It's private.

Remus says you tell, straight away. You tell an adult you trust. Even if this just gives you a second opinion. Hogwarts is a boarding school. There are no parents to stand up for you. If a teacher is doing something wrong, report it, straight away. You may not be thanked for it, but you will be doing the right thing.

He's usually right.

And Hermione, you can always tell me.

I would sort it.

Snuffles.

.

…

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Dear Snuffles,

You stink worse than Thestral dung!

You made Draco look like an idiot and I take the flack when Draco gets laughed at.

You think you're clever, but you're not.

And Snuffles is a stupid name.

I don't know who you are, which is lucky for you.

I'm a Beater, on the Slytherin team.

It was thanks to me that Potty Potter got a lifetime ban from Quidditch.

And I'd have you, no problem if you weren't hiding behind your cowardly pet name.

Grow some balls and sign your letters with your own name.

Vincent Crabbe.


	19. 19 Nymphadora Tonks

Dear Vincent,

It is hard to express how much it pains me to not sign this letter with my name.

But surprising as this may be to you, some things in life are more important than throwing insults back and forth with wannabe Death Eaters.

That said, you look like you tried to kiss the Whomping Willow.

And I've heard your patronus is a cake.

Clever though you must be, to hit Bludgers at players after the match is over, I have some helpful suggestions for you, just to thank you for your lovely letter.

i) Stop pretending you're in Slytherin. Everyone knows you're so fat the Sorting Hat put you in all four houses.

ii) Learn to use some proper spells. Death Eaters don't fly around hitting Quidditch balls at each other. Why don't you lock yourself in a small room and practice '_Fiendfyre!_' A spell so easy (to cast) that even the bastard son of a Mountain Troll like yourself could do it.

iii) Stop trying to put your hand through the Mirror of Erised, you can't actually eat those cakes.

Sorry about your face,

Snuffles.

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…..

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Dear Snuffles,

How do you tell someone you have a massive crush on them?

Like, so massive they make your patrona changes into something else.

Love

Miss. T


	20. 20 Tonks again

Dear Miss.T,

When I was a young child, my brother and I used to play a game where you have to think of a Wizard family for every letter of the alphabet. For example, Abbot, Black, Carrow, Dumbledore…

Don't try.

It's not fun.

From many hours at this boring past time I happen to know that the only Wizarding family who's surname begins with 'T' is the Thicknesse's. They have no daughters. And I can only think of 'Dean Thomas' at Hogwarts.

So, Miss. T. Lets assume that I know _exactly who you are_.

And I don't care in the slightest what your Patrona wants to turn itself into.

Focus on your Auora duties, and avoid boys like the plague.

They're all trouble. And if you don't, I shall write to your mother.

Lovingly,

Snuffles.

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….

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Dear Snuffles,

How old do you think I am?

Not so lovingly,

Miss. T


	21. 21 Dumbldore

Dear Miss. T,

Fine.

If you have a crush on someone you should ignore it and focus on your career.

Or tell them, I suppose.

But it better had be someone sensible.

And nice.

And worthy of your sweetness, Miss. T.

Love,

Snuffles.

.

…..

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Dear Snuffles,

Where do all my socks go?

Where did that useful room full of chamber pots go?

Where have all the sherbet lemons gone?

I brought five sickles worth only last Saturday.

It's very upsetting.

Yours,

Mr.D


	22. 22 Dobby & Hermione

**Thanks EverydayMagic17 for reviewing with the answer! **

Dear Mr. D,

You ate them.

Not the socks, obviously.

Five Sickles worth of Lemon Sherbets.

The socks go into non-being, which is to say, everything.

Or you have just accidentally released all your kitchen staff.

And the room of requirements is still there.

Just ask Dobby.

Here's hoping I never grow so old and forgetful.

Yours,

Snuffles

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

Personally I am not overly optimistic about your helpfulness,

But S.P.E.W is so very important,

And for some reason Dobby thinks you might be of some help.

So here goes.

How can we get the House Elves to fight for their rights and their freedom?

Yours Sincerely,

Miss. H Granger and Dobby (Free Elf)

**AN: Thank you so much to everyone who reads this and even more so to the reviewers, it is so nice to get reviews.**

**Obviously the name 'Dear Snuffles' comes from the HP world. I thought it would be nice if Sirius, trapped in Grimmauld Place, did spend his time writing random letters to random people.**

**Sirius Black is, of course, brilliant but I wonder if many characters would make worse 'agony aunts'?**

**Thank you for reading, and if you can think of any letters Snuffles should be replying to, please let me know in the review box as I am siriusly running out of ideas.  
**

**And now to Snuffles letter to Miss. H Granger and Dobby (because Sirius is never one to shout at a House Elf)...  
**


	23. 23 Severus Snape

Dear Hermione and Dobby,

Hermione; I am saddened by your lack of faith in me and disturbed by your belief that spewing is important.

Dobby; I am heartened by your faith in me, though slightly disturbed by your faith in all things 'Wizard'.

As to your question. 'How can we get the House Elves to fight for their freedom?'

Firstly, if you are _forcing_ anyone to fight you are most definitely not 'giving them their freedom'.

Secondly, fighting is a miserable and damaging business which causes pain and suffering in the short term.

The pain and suffering won't happen to you, Hermione.

The House Elves will be homeless, hungry, unloved and despised, as the change takes place over years and years.

It is always the chess pieces that are broken when brilliant minds sit down to change the world.

.

So, you were right to think I wouldn't be able to help you with this problem but for the wrong reason.

I care about suffering. I don't believe Elves, Muggles, Werewolves or anyone should be enslaved, nor judged on anything other than their own choices and actions.

I had money, heritage and power to influence the Wizarding World.

But I chose to be a pawn in a game played by men with cooler heads and colder hearts.

I never had the stomach, or the heart, to choose other men's fates.

I do not believe I have the right to choose the fates of the Elves who must stand up and fight for your dream to become a reality.

Maybe you do.

But I don't.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

PS. Ask Ron if you can win a game of chess without sacrificing any of the pieces.

.

….

.

To Snuffles,

Who are you?

Why do you write these letters?

I have confiscated half a dozen of them and they annoy me greatly.

Please stop writing to my pupils.

Your advice is wrong, in one case dangerous to a child entrusted to my care, and on many counts vicious and disturbing.

Fiendfyre is easy to cast but famously hard to control.

Your advice to Mr. Malfoy's son has been repeatedly cruel and utterly inappropriate.

Awaiting your response and an explanation,

Mr.S. Snape,

Head of Slytherin House, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.


	24. 24 Narcissa Malfoy

Dear Mr S. Snape, Head of Slytherin House,

I always though Fate was having a cruel joke when she wrote my life.

Until I received your letter.

Never in my wildest fantasies (which are obviously pretty wild) did I expect to receive a letter from you, asking for my response.

For your information, my advice is always wise and well thought out.

And as advice is opinion it cannot be wrong.

Unlike you.

You are very wrong.

The shampoo you have chosen to use for the last thirty years is clearly wrong.

Siriusly, a girl runs her fingers through it once and you decide to never wash it again?

But grown men picking on school children is so disgustingly wrong.

Living your entire life like a snivelling victim is pathetically wrong.

You're worst memories are of getting laughed at, at school?

And yes, I do know your worst and most private memories.

Everyone does, for all you know.

I would love you to see my worst and most private memories, so you could see how pathetic and insignificant yours are.

You were teased at school?

You gave as good as you got and wandered round feeling sorry for yourself even then.

What memories do you think Frank and Alice Longbottom could show you in a pensive?

What were Lily's final memories, as she listened to her husband dying downstairs, to buy her time to prepare a charm that might stop their baby being murdered in front of her? As she kissed her son for the last time, and listened to those footsteps coming up the stairs for her. Thanks to your spywork.

You are too loathsome even to laugh at.

Stop bullying children.

I hope you see Alice's burnt out eyes, and Lily's decayed ones, every time you think of amusing yourself by belittling and mocking either of their parentless sons.

You are a disgrace.

Sincerely

Snuffles.

P.S. Enclosed is a letter from Draco Malfoy stating his affections for you, in case you haven't confiscated that one. You have fun explaining that to Lucius, won't you.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

Have you been writing to my son?

Sincerely,

Narcissa Malfoy,


	25. 25 Cho Chang

Dear Cissy,

No.

Definitely not.

Hope you're well and are currently considering leaving your dreadful husband.

Yours,

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

So, this girl called Ginny has totally stolen my boyfriend,

Which is just ridiculous because he is way out of her league.

And she knew I liked him.

But anyways, I was writing this letter about it,

And I definitely said to my owl to take the letter about Ginny to Marietta.

I did not say to take the letter TO Ginny.

I said it was ABOUT Ginny.

Stupid owl.

Think I might die of shame.

Think I might die because she's going to Avada Kedavra me.

What do I do, Snuffles?

Love,

Cho x


	26. 26 Hannah Abbott

Dear Cho,

You idiot.

Rather you than me.

Weasley women are a fierce breed and you don't stand a chance, love.

What the hell were you thinking?

That said, I did once accidentally owl a _very_ inappropriate list to the person it was about, and that didn't turn out too badly.

Maybe Ginny will like your letter more than you think?

If not, I would hide somewhere for the rest of the year.

Or consider using an Obliviate Charm.

Surely that's one of the perks of being a witch.

Yours,

Snuffles.

PS. If any Weasleys hear about this I did NOT give you that advice.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

What is wrong with Hufflepuff?

We are hardworking, decent and kind.

Have you ever heard of a dark wizard from Hufflepuff house?

I bet not.

Why does nobody take us seriously?

Yours,

Miss. Hannah Abbot.


	27. 27 Molly Weasley

Dear Hannah,

.

Oh, Hufflepuff, you sweet nice house.

You do give a flying flobberworm about some things, don't you?

It's true you've never produced a Dark Wizard

But that might be because most of you never pass your O.W.L.'s?

Though you have produced an awful lot of _very _friendlygirls.

.

Why does nobody take you seriously?

Aren't they mean!

Never mind, I'm sure you'll forgive them, won't you.

And I, of course, have some advice for you…

Things Hufflepuffs should remember if they want to be taken seriously.

* 'Hugging' is not an effective shield charm against dark magic.

* Forgiving your enemies is _meant_ to make them angrier,

* And wishing we could 'all just get along' is not going to win the war.

* Just because we laugh at you for being different doesn't mean you can laugh at us for all being the same.

* 'Being the change you wish to see in the World' is lame.

* As is 'Being the friend you want to have'.

* (I didn't say they were wrong, I said they weren't cool)

* Some people do deserve to be laughed at.

* 'Turning the other cheek' is not an acceptable way to fight.

Do you still want to be taken so seriously?

You are the house who accepts everyone, who forgives, who provides, who loves unconditionally.

I wish they laughed at you because they are jealous.

They don't.

They are far too busy showing off, plotting to take over the world, and trying to unlock the secrets of the universe to even realize what you, Hufflepuff, really represent, and mean to all of us.

.

Stop being so sweet, decent and kind.

You make the rest of us look terrible.

Respectfully,

Snuffles.

.

…..

.

Dear Snuffles,

This better hadn't be anything to do with you!

Fred and George have left school!

If I find out you gave them the money to start that joke shop I will skin you alive and make a dog fur rug for The Burrow!

They never listened to me!

And they spent far too much time listening to you!

Sort it out!

I'm serious!

Molly Weasley.


	28. 28 Hagrid again

Dear Molly,

This is nothing to do with me.

When has anyone ever listened to me?

When have Fred and George listened to anyone but each other?

Maybe they're right and the world could do with a little extra laughter in it just now.

I didn't supply the money but do let them know the Black family vaults are available if they need a little extra funding.

And _I_ am serious,

Snuffles

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

I might be asked to leave Hogwarts,

Any ideas where I could hide a twenty five foot giant?

A reasonably friendly one.

I thought you'd be the man to ask.

Yours Hopefully,

Hagrid.


	29. 29 Ron again

Dear Hagrid,

.

Twenty five foot might be hard to get into Grimmauld Place.

But maybe some sort of shrinking charm would do the trick?

Actually, shrinking your giant friend could be the answer to all your problems?

A tiny giant would be very cute to have around.

You could both stay here.

.

Not an answer to all your problems, of course.

You can't get fired.

You need to stay at Hogwarts to watch Harry.

.

I gave him a two way mirror so he could keep in contact.

Everyday if he needed to.

.

But he never uses it.

.

Not that I actually expect him to want to chat with a deranged convicted criminal.

One who's failed to be around to look after him or even get to know him for just about his entire life.

.

I don't take it remotely personally.

.

But I do worry.

.

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

How you doing, mate?

Haven't mentioned this to anyone but I am that scared I feel like I've stuck my head up a Boggarts backside.

.

Quidditch Match in three days.

No Harry, George or Fred on the team.

Little Ginny as Seeker.

Me in goal.

I would seriously swap you twelve years in Azkaban to not have to do this.

How can I get out of playing this game?

Yours,

Ron.


	30. 30 Vernon Dursley

Dear Ron,

No. You wouldn't.

Twelve years in Azkaban is considerably less fun than losing a Quidditch Match.

But you sound pretty desperate, so here is what I think…

a. It's only Ravenclaw.

b. Being a Gryffindor isn't always easy. You have to feel a bit frightened to be brave, otherwise you're just stupid.

c. If you really don't think you can do it, pretend to be someone else, who can. It makes it much less scary.

d. Big brothers always doubt their little sisters but Ginny's more mature than you are and a brilliant Quidditch Player. Besides, she's got a grudge against the Ravenclaw Seeker. If she doesn't end the game with The Snitch in her hand, I'll kiss Snape.

e. Twice

f. On the lips.

'C_ome what, come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day'._

Snuffles.

.

…

.

I have been advised by the new Head Mistress of Hogwarts School for Weirdos and Freaks that you, sir, are claiming to have some sort of authority over my useless excuse of a nephew.

Well, let me tell you!

If I had wanted that sneaky little liar to be allowed on outings to 'Hogsmeade', I would have signed the consent form myself, wouldn't I?

You're a weirder weirdo than the rest of you weirdos! Giving permission for other peoples kids to have treats is creepy. You're a creepy weirdo, is what you are.

And you haven't had to put up with that worthless waste of space for fifteen bleeding years like I have.

Even being as sensible as I am with my money, that's still cost me thousands of my hard earned pounds.

I was reliably informed that my wife is Harry's only living relative so you are nothing to Harry anyway. Nothing. Ever.

And if you ever want to be something to him maybe you should start by compensating me financially for the fifteen years I've had to put up with him. Do that and you can have him. You can tell him to call you Daddy for all I care.

But you understand this. **Never**, and I mean never, think that you can sign a parental consent form that is asking for _my_ permission again.

You are messing with the wrong man, sir.

I hope I have made myself clear.

Mr. V. Dursley.

Managing Director of Grunnings Drills Ltd.


	31. 31 Gregory Goyle

Vernon,

Congratulations.

You are the first person this decade to make me really angry.

And I do mean _really_ angry. Not arguing over the kitchen table angry.

Proper, murdering you in your sleep angry.

The _only_ reason you are still capable of reading this letter is because, pathetic and hateful though you are, I know you're all the family Harry has ever known. He's dealt with enough and suffered enough loss for a lifetime already.

So you can thank Harry for your worthless existance, Dursley, because the minute I believe he really wouldn't suffer for loosing you, you're a dead man.

.

We're a modest lot, in my house. We don't tend to brag about these things. But you now have some of the most powerful wizards of all time, a werewolf, a pink haired-lady who can transform herself into your worst nightmares and myself, waiting to destroy your life the minute we hear you have so much as smiled at Harry in an unsatisfactory way.

We will be at Kings Cross Station to tell you this in person, when you come to collect Harry in July. If you don't turn up, we will come to your house to explain it to you.

Till July,

Sirius Black.

.

…..

.

Dear Snuffles,

Sometimes I am a bit pathetic.

Like when you know someone's doing something that's wrong but you don't do anything to stop them.

I've been with my best friends since first year. I'd feel like a terrible friend if I didn't back them up.

But they take things too far.

It's the same at home.

You're supposed to respect your parents.

You're supposed to back up your friends.

I'm not a leader and I never have been.

I wouldn't know what to say about how I feel when we hurt someone or sometimes get involved with really bad things.

And if I did say something I'd get treated like a weirdo, or beaten up.

So what's the point?

I don't want to lose my friends, or wind-up my parents.

But I don't want to be a Death Eater either.

I don't want to end up killing people I've been to school with.

There's this Mudblood girl in my year. She thinks we're all so beneath her because she's so pretty and better than everyone at school.

I hate her. But I don't want to _kill_ her.

Thinking about the future makes me feel sick.

I don't think I ever had any choice since the day I was born,

But I wish I did.

I wish you could tell me what to do, but I don't think there's anything I can do.

Yours,

Gregory Goyle.


	32. 32 Dolores Umbridge

Dear Gregory,

There's light and dark in all of us.

Some people never find the courage to do the right thing.

But how we choose to act is what counts.

You won't be remembered for what you _thought_.

You will be remembered for what you _did_.

Because your actions are the measure of who you really are.

You doubt yourself but how many Death Eaters, or sons of Death Eaters, have ever sat down and written a letter like yours?

For that, if nothing else, you have my respect.

Snuffles.

.

…..

.

Dear 'Snuffles',

Kindly stop writing your silly little letters.

You're spouting a lot of foolish nonsense and nobody likes to hear it.

I am asking you nicely, because I am a civilized pure-blood witch with good-breeding and good-manners.

If you fail to do what you have now been asked politely to do, and keep spouting your inane advice, you will leave me no choice but to report you to The Ministry of Magic.

I feel it's only fair to warn you that I am the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic and a complaint from me will be treated with the up-most of importance.

You clearly have far too much time on your hands.

I, on the contrary, am a very busy woman sorting out a school where innocent young minds have been exposed to the filth that is half-breed giants, centaurs and werewolves.

Wizards must be taught by wizards!

If only you had such an important role maybe you wouldn't spend your time writing these silly little letters.

Maybe you should get yourself a hobby?

Yours Sincerel,

Dolores Jane Umbridge.

_Head Mistress and High Inquisitor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

_Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic._


	33. 33 Remus Lupin

Dear Umbridge,

I am glad to hear what a civilized pure-blood witch, with good-breeding and good-manners, you are.

Although your breeding is not that pure-blooded and great or you'd be on my Drawing Room wall.

That said, the Longbottoms are a respectable wizarding family and you have a freakish resemblance to young Trevor Longbottom.

I am very sorry to hear that the children in your school have been "exposed to the filth that is half-breed giants, centaurs and werewolves." That sounds more like party night at my house than a boring-arsed day at school. Those poor innocent minds must be so relieved to have you instead, with your Educational Decrees and your cutting children's arms.

Wish I could write a longer letter but I am unfortunately busy with my own 'D.A. for adults'.

I hope you choke on your next mouthful of flies, you stumpy toad-faced heifer.

Snuffles.

P.S. I have a hobby. It's called writing.

P.P.S. When you inevitably get kicked out of Dumbledore's school, we're going to smash all your kitten plates.

P.P.P.S And my Werewolf wouldn't bite you if you dipped yourself in chocolate.

.

…..

.

Dear Snuffles,

Is this the only way to communicate with you?

Please stop spending all your time writing letters.

You are supposed to be attending planning meetings of vital importance, preparing the Order headquarters and complaining bitterly about how unfair your life is.

Besides, your presence is missed.

M.

P.S. That is a stupendously awful pet-name.


	34. 34 Lucius Malfoy

Dear Moony,

While "Preparing the order headquarters" sounds like something rather important, what you are really talking about is "cleaning".

And "attending planning meetings of vital importance" actually involves trying to sit without fidgeting, while Molly and Kingsley argue over who has to guard the prophecy on a Saturday night.

My life _is_ shockingly unfair. Twelve years in Azkaban, Moony, while you mooched around drinking tea and reading very boring books. I am allowed to complain about that.

I am glad you miss my complaining.

Missing me is understandable.

I am awesome.

Snuffles.

P.S. My nickname is better than yours. 'Mooning' means "to stare at a person in a dreamy and infatuated manner" or to flashing you a**e at them.

.

…..

.

Dear Snuffles,

You wrote to my wife telling her she should leave me?

And my son does _what_ with apples?

What do you mean by giving this horrible advice to my family?

The Dark Lord will hear about this!

Lucius.


	35. 35 Sybill Trelawney

Dear Lucius,

I may have written to your wife telling her to leave you.

And I am reasonably certain you don't want me to actually explain to you what your son does to the apple, do you?

I hope you are also in possession of the letter regarding his strong feelings for his Potion's Master.

Like father like son, perhaps?

The Dark Lord will not hear your snivelling complaints because he holds you in as much contempt as the rest of us do.

I think the kindest thing you can do for your son would be to hide the fruit bowl at Mafoy Manor and lend Professor Snape some of your L'Oreal. Your son obviously thinks he's worth it.

Give your wife my love,

Snuffles.

P.S. Don't get upset by the other Death Eaters laughing at you behind your back. I don't think there is anything girly about tying your ponytail with a big shiny satin bow.

.

….

.

_My poor dear Snuffles, you have The Grim!_

_My Inner Eye sees past your rather pretty face to your troubled soul within… I regret to say, alas, I see great tragedy ahead… It is the Grim! It definitely is. Because I see it and it's The Grim, for sure!_

_Alas!_

_I foresee it will happen unless you stay in the house as the sixth month dies... Great confusion and a serious lack of proper communication will cause the children to set out to aid you, needlessly… It will all come to pass, as I have predicted, unless you will please stay in the house like you've been repeatedly told… Also, highly over-cocky, the inner-eye sees you being... Laughing and taunting your enemies instead of concentrating on dueling._

I mean it, Snuffles. One does not parade the fact that one is All-Knowing. Just because I frequently act as though I am not possessed of the Inner Eye, does not mean you shouldn't heed my predictions. It was me that accurately predicted the Dark Lords resurrection and the only way to kill him, remember.

The inner eye grows misty… I predict little point in sending this letter as you are not listening to a word I say.

Doom and The Grim, Snuffles!

I mean it!

Sybill Trelawney


	36. 36 Fleur Delacour

Dear Sybill,

Spooky stuff!

If it makes you feel better I have absolutely no opportunities to leave my house and will be mindful on the sixth month (or as normal people like to call it 'June').

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, Sybill.

Thanks anyway,

Snuffles

P.S. Did your inner eye coin the expression 'over-cocky' especially for me?

.

…..

.

Dear Snuffles,

I am sorry for my English that is not good. I am still learning of it.

My boyfriend's family, it is calling me 'Phlegm' when I am not in the room.

'Phlegm' is the English word for the yellow-green yuck from the nose or what you cough up after a bad cold.

There is not anyway that this could be a niceness nickname like Snuffles is for you.

This is making sadness for me ,when I am wanting to make love with all his family.

I am telling Madame Weasley that it is not my quarter-veela flesh that her son is liking but he is seeing the beauty within me.

She is still not liking me.

What do you suggest?

Sincerely,

Miss. Fleur Delacour.


	37. 37 Harry again

Dear Fleur,

Your English is great!

I am so glad you want to make love to all of the Weasleys.

It's mental images like that which make me glad I'm not scared to obliviate my own memories.

Snuffles is, of course, a lovely nickname because I chose it myself.

Phlegm is a particularly nasty nickname.

No wonder that it's making you sad.

I admire your plan of shagging them all into submission.

Maybe you could tell Madame Weasley to keep her bossy nose out of her son's business?

This won't make her like you more but it's about time someone told her.

You could also amuse yourself by making up some stupid nicknames for them and using them loudly when they're not in the room.

If that doesn't make them pack it in, I'd revert to the 'making love to everyone' plan.

I can't see Molly or Ginny being keen on this but I bet it'll work with the rest of them.

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

I 'siriusly' hope you've stopped writing to my friends.

'Siriusly', funny heh?

I just thought I'd drop you a line about the O.W.L.s.

Hermione is so worried about failing them.

Ron probably _is _going to fail them.

And I'm not sure I care in the slightest.

Voldemort is back and nobody believes it.

Professor Umbitch (get it?) is going to make sure I fail anything she can.

What's the point of working for O.W.L.s?

It will probably be all out war by the time I'm old enough to do my N.E.W.T.s.?

And how are a bunch of good grades going to help me fight Voldemort?

Thought you'd probably agree with me.

Bests

Harry.


	38. 38 Fred and George

Dear Harry.

I didn't start it. People keep writing to me. It would be rude not to reply.

I kindly passed on your letter to _Professor_ Lupin, who is seriously unimpressed with your lax attitude to school work.

There will come a time when you are not fighting for your life or to save the world in general and then you will be grateful to me for saying, knuckle down and do your school work.

I have some advice to help you with your exams:

Confundus is the first and last charm you need for Charms (and maybe all) exams. Use it after every mistake.

Divination is the ideal time to catch up on sleep. Sleeping is 'dream collecting'.

Or Meditate, which is bound to be more fun than sitting around doing nothing.

In Care of Magical Creatures you dad and I learned to our cost that it is unwise to play leapfrog with Unicorns.

In Defence against The Dark Arts you should never moon Werewolves. (This is clearly even more important to your generation that it was to us).

And in Potions, never _ever_ lick the spoon.

Love Snuffles.

P.S. Your 'siriusly' pun was very funny. I've never heard that one before.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

**Ron is not gay!**

He's as straight as a Hippogriff's beak.

**Straight as a Unicorns horn.**

He likes Hermione.

**Unlucky Fred!**

Naff off, George.

**We were so surprised!**

Whenever we checked the Marauders Map...

**He was always in bed with some chap called 'Peter'!**

_Your_ map (Respect to you for the map, Snuffles).

**So, we just realised…**

Ron's not Gay!

**There never was a chap called Peter!**

It was the rat!

**It was Peter Pettigrew!**

What a relief!

**Now, we're thinking Percy might not be gay either.**

Because we think it was a fella called 'Peter' that the map always showed in his bed as well.

**And Scabbers was his rat then.**

Madness!

**Madness!**

We do still think Percy is gay though.

**Do you think Percy is gay?**

From Fred and…

**George.**


	39. 39 Charlie Weasley

Dear Fred and George,

Unicorns are just gay horses and Hippogriffs beaks are definitely bent.

Those were seriously the straightest things the pair of you could come up with?

I, obviously, have no idea if Percy is gay.

You could ask him, if you actually think it's any of your business.

Which it isn't.

But I wouldn't let that put you off speculating wildly behind his back.

My Galleons would say he's as straight as a Grindylow's finger. He has a girlfriend called Penny whom he mentions quite a lot and plans to move in with next year. In general that's a good indication of sexual preference.

Not so sure about Charlie though.

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

W. T. F.?!

And no.

_**I**_ am not.

I have now had to send owls stating my non-gayness to my MOTHER (you have met her, right?), my father, the twins, Percy (are you honestly sure about him?), 'Bill and Fleur' (who even _is_ Fleur?), Ron and Ginny!

Thanks for that, Snuffles.

Seeing as half the owls in Romania are currently fighting their way across mainland Europe, thanking my family for their varying degrees of supportiveness over my 'coming out' and explaining that I am not actually as bent as a Hippogriffs beak, you might as well help me with a problem I have. (aside from the one you created)

.

It's hard being away from family, in a country where you don't know anyone. (With my family it's a blessed relief, but it's hard as well).

Looking after dragons is the best job ever. It's my obsession.

And every single minute I'm not working I'm recruiting wizards to fight Voldemort.

I currently have six orphan hatchling dragons that need feeding every two hours and if I doze off in the night their fire will go out, and they'll freeze.

I've got no help, I have guilt-inducing letters from home wanting me to visit (even when you haven't randomly told everyone I'm gay) and I _don't know how I can fit everything into my life_, let alone finding a bloody girlfriend to convince my mother I'm straight.

Wave your magic wand and sort it all out for me?

Charlie.

P.S. I wrote and told your Godson that I strongly suspect you have a long standing crush on Haggrid's dog, Fang. Shall we call it quits on the speculation on each others private lives now?


	40. 40 Arthur Weasley

Dear Charlie,

Thanks for alerting my Godson to that possibility. Trust me, this will now never be 'quits'. I just haven't thought of anything suitably comical to inform your mother of yet.

Anyway, you're a wizard, Charlie; wave your own wand if you want to start _obliviating_ chunks of your over crowded schedule.

Here is some advice.

(It is not my advice at all. It came from Professor Lupin)

You need a big jar and some precious things.

You can use Dragon eggs (as you have plenty of those) and the jar you keep all your spare knuts and sickles in.

Stage one: Precious things.

Fill your jar carefully with your precious dragon eggs. (Professor Lupin used chocolate frogs)

Fill it right up. As many dragon eggs as you get in, till it is full to the top. It's full, see?

Stage two: Little things.

Fill your jar with all your loose change. Shake it down gently and admire how nicely those knuts and sickles fit in the gaps between the dragon eggs.

(Also, visualize our occasionally escaping chocolate frogs, now wedged in place with many Bertie Bots Every Flavour Beans).

Your jar which was already 'full' with your dragon eggs is now actually full of eggs and money (or chocolate frogs and sweets).

You thought it was full, but you fitted in more. Brilliant, hey?

Stage three: Dust.

In your case sand (there is bound to be loads of sand in Romania and there is plenty enough dust in Grimmauld Place).

Shaking the jar gently you can fit loads of sand in every little crack between the eggs and coins. Marvel at the magic that allows you to fit loads of sand into your already full schedule (I mean jar).

Stage Four: Doing it properly.

Enjoy the look on Professor Lupin's face when you decide to actually see how much dust you can mix in with a jar of chocolate frogs rather than just 'taking his word for it'.

(You Charlie don't get a stage four unless you want to taunt dragons about their eggs being stuck in a jar with a load of pennies and sand).

Stage Five: Anything but Firewhiskey.

Open a couple of bottles of Butterbeer (not Firewhiskey – that is just spiteful, an utter waste and in no way comparable to covering chocolate frogs in grimy dust) and pour it on in. Marvel that this too fits in the last of the little gaps of the 'full' jar.

Before you start trying to clear up this horrible mess you must think about the deeper philosophical meaning. In case you are too busy trying to rescue the dragon eggs (or trying to catch drunk, slime covered, chocolate frogs while complaining bitterly over the pointless waste of it all) I will tell you what this is meant to have taught you…

_You have to recognize that the jar represents: Your life_

_The Eggs/Frogs represent: the most important things, __the people you love__ (Dragons? Chocolate!?)._

_Nothing is more important than these things (the people you love/possibly the baby dragons depending on you)._

_If everything else was lost and you still had these, then your life would still be full._

_Also_

_These big things HAVE to go in the jar first or they don't fit in._

If you just like messing about and wasting things then have a go at putting sand and pennies in first – this is the only order you can use to get all of this mess in the jar.

_The sweets/pennies represent all the nice little things that you should make time for because there's always room for a few of them._

_And the dust/sand represents all the other shit that is utterly unimportant but you will wedge it in around the edges because you've got to._

This Important Philosophical Experiment also importantly teaches you:

Filling jars with lots of different things is messy.

Filling jars with things you like is a waste that will cause arguments.

You have now wasted a lot of time doing this, which could have been used feeding baby dragons.

You now have to waste more time clearing up.

It is also meant to prove that there is '_always space in the busiest life for a couple of Butterbeers/Firewhiskeys!_' – but you won't be able to have one because yours is now mixed up with a load of sand/dust.

Hope that was useful Charlie.

Much love,

Snuffles

P.S. Is a halfbreed dragon/human possible? Because it would be awesome. And also because by the time you receive this letter I will have told you family you are trying to create one, personally.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

Do you know what a Rubber Duck is for?

Just wondered,

Arthur.

**AN: I have read a couple of versions of this idea but couldn't find anyone to attribute it to. Hope it's okay.**


	41. 41 Albus Dumbledore

**AN: This is a songfic for "Sesame Street: Ernie and his Rubber Duckie" (if you don't know it you can find it by writing the title in You tube).  
**

.

.

Dear Arthur,

A Rubber Duck, I have this week discovered, makes your bath time so much fun.

(woh woh, bee doh!)

There is a song to explain the facts which I will probably be stuck singing incessantly for the rest of my life.

And, joy of joys, when you squeeze them they actually do make noise.

(more of a squeak than a quack)

It isn't, as the song suggests, as much fun as sharing a bath with your very best friend. That's not true.

(Doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

They also make good chew toys. Cute and Yellow and chewy.

(rub-a-dub-dubby!)

But mostly they are a Muggle bath toy that is very endearing to Muggles, who write songs about them.

(Doo doo, be doo)

Hope that clarifies things for you.

Snuffles.

P.S. Felt I should mention that I'm slightly worried about Charlie. Last time I spoke to him he mentioned that he likes wearing high heels and lipstick. Would you mind having a father/son chat with him about this. Best not to mention I told you. Thanks Arthur.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

I keep taking advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?

Yours Ironically,

The innocent students and some of the staff at my school.

Albus Dumbledore.


	42. 42 Neville again

Dear Albus

Surely we agree that there are very few really 'serious issues' in the world?

Besides Albus, I do not actually consider myself under-qualified to give out advice.

Had you considered that there is no such thing as bad advice and that the more people you consult the greater your ability to make an informed and balanced decision? I suspect not. When have you ever taken advice from anyone but yourself?

Personally, I like advice.

Sadly the advice I usually get is to stop shouting, sit down and shut up.

It's very sad for me.

But still I give my advice away freely, most of it 'like new' because I have personally never used any of it.

I try to always learn from the painful and embarrassing mistakes of those who do.

Besides, Albus, I believed nothing was impossible until you taught me otherwise. You have me doing nothing every single day.

I am not very grateful.

Maybe you could spare some advice from your vast depths of inner wisdom?

**Albus Dumbledore's Advice, the two rules for success:  
**

1. Never tell everything you know.

2.

Peace, Love and Every Flavour Beans,

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure?

Neville.


	43. 43 Angelina and Lee

Dear Neville,

What?!

You do what they tell you of course!

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

We need a prank.

Please advise us.

Without Fred and George we haven't got a clue.

Love,

Angelina and Lee.


	44. 44 Tonks again

Dear Angelina and Lee,

Why don't I get more letters like this?

I are slightly lacking information here.

Who do you want to prank?

There are so many pranks I wish I'd found time for…

Getting up early and carpeting Professor McGonagall's classroom floor in tin foil.

Cats, as I am sure you are aware, cannot walk on tin foil.

Wrapping Mrs Norris _in_ tinfoil and giving her Smarties tube booties so she walks like a Robot.

Watching Filches face when she tries to engineer the stairs in her new 'Spacecat' dress up…

Maybe leave the cats alone.

Please, please want to prank Umbridge. That bitch. Please swap her quills around so she uses the cursed one on herself.

And remember, the most important purpose of a prank is to get the victim laughed at by as many people as possible.

It's all about the power.

So do it somewhere as public as possible.

An exam would be perfect.

And if not Umbridge, do it to someone who deserves it.

There is nothing funny about humiliating frightened first years.

Teachers are best because they act like they have the God-give right to order you around, but any bossy adult is worth a shot. Or a Slytherin.

Adults and Slytherins have no feelings of their own, so you can be as mean as you like, safe in the knowledge they won't lie awake crying into the night over the humiliation.

I would suggest an invisibility cloak, a trip to Zonko's, and a very good sense of humour; as you can expect retaliation with plenty of public humiliation of your own.

Happy Pranking,

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

Hi.

Just a little one.

Well, a big one really.

But I'll keep it short.

And don't quote me on it.

Promise, please, promise.

It would be utterly embarrassing and mortifying if you mention this to anyone.

_Anyone at all_.

I think you don't know who I mean.

Please don't know who I mean.

Just don't say anything about this to ANYONE.

No quoting me.

Just between you and me.

Not anyone else you might otherwise discuss this with.

Okay?

Okay.

So…

What do you do if you're so in love with someone you'd die to make them happy?

And they don't even know you exist.

Tonks.


	45. 45 Gabrielle

Dear Tonks,

What the hell?

I thought you were meant to be a kickarse feminist!

Is this an Amortentia question?

Tonks, you're lovely.

If they don't know you exist then make them bloody notice.

Love Snuffles,

P.S. I just sent Charlie Weasley an owl about you being pregnant with his child. Hope that doesn't interfere with your plans.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

Plz can you tellz Harry Potter to marry me.

I love him.

Love Gabrielle Delacour.

Age 9


	46. 46 Madame Honeylips

Dear Gabrielle.

Sadly Harry Potter is much too old, teenage and likely to bring the wrath of Voldemort on any wife to get married at the moment.

Please don't take this too much to heart.

You sound like a very nice girl and presumably the Veela blood will help with winning any boy you want when you are older.

I would bide your time and ask him again in a couple of years.

Maybe eight years?

Love,

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear 'Snuffles',

Your good friend Charlie Weasley informed us that you are the _exceedingly wealthy_ heir to one of the most important Wizarding Families in Great Britain and that you are currently unmarried and in your thirties.

Mr. Charlie Weasley impressed on us how keen you are to rectify this, as a matter of some urgency, and we are here to help! Since Charlie gave us your details we have collected a vast catalogue of Witches who are desperate to meet you. (Seriously, there are Dementors in Azkaban less determined to get their mouth on yours than these excitable lovelies!)

Please owl us back ASAP enclosing a hand written address so we can Flu your new 'fanclub' past your current residence's Fidalus Charm.

Yours Excitedly,

Madame Honeylips,

The Niffler's Witch to Wizard Dating Service.

"_Because if Nifflers were this cute, you'd let them dig for your gold!"_


	47. 47 Fay Dunbar

Dear Charlie,

You utter arse.

Snuffles.

.

..

.

Dear Snuffles,

I feel like no one knows I exist,

Yours Sincerely,

Fay Dunbar.


	48. 48 Michael Corner

Dear Fay,

That is outrageous!

I am sure plenty of people know you exist.

Your parents for example, must be aware of your existence.

And as your letter came direct from Hogwarts there are presumably a number of people who have shared a dorm day in day out with you for a number of eventful teenage years.

This seems like an exaggeration.

_I_ know you exist.

I received a letter from you only yesterday.

Maybe do something very interesting and profound,

Or something very embarrassing.

Then everyone will talk about you.

Love,

Snuffles.

PS. Or keep a low profile and maybe you won't get killed off when the war against Voldemort kicks off in earnest.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

My friends and I have been placing bets on which House you were sorted into in Hogwarts.

We have seen quite a few of your letters and think your advice is solid but rather… 'outside the box' shall we say?

"_If you've a ready mind, where those of wit and learning will always find their kind…._"

I have ten sickles on you being a Ravenclaw.

So, am I right?

Sincerely,

Michael Corner.


	49. 49 Michael again

Michael,

What?!

I am so offended right now!

No, I am not a Ravenclaw!

"_Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"?_

Man has greater treasures than 'wit'!

What about dying for what you believe in? What about trust, loyalty, faith? What about love!?

'Wit beyond measure'? I'd rather be a Hufflepuff!

Okay, maybe not a Hufflepuff.

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Fine.

You're Slytherin then?

Michael.


	50. 50 Lord Voldemort

Dear Michael,

You are not allowed to write to me anymore.

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

I know who you are and there are things I need to tell you.

Albus Dumbledore is cold blooded and calculating.

He doesn't care about Harry.

He wants to keep Harry alive so that he can die at the proper moment. He is raising him like a pig for slaughter and means to sacrifice him to destroy me.

He doesn't care about you, Sirius.

He left you to be tortured by Azkaban's Dementors for twelve years without a trial.

He doesn't care about your friend Lupin.

He discarded him to poverty and universal hatred the minute he stopped being of use and only re-employed him twelve years later, when you escaped from Azkaban.

We both know there is no real good or bad, Sirius. There is only those who have the power to keep themselves and their loved ones safe.

Albus Dumbledore doesn't deserve your dogged loyalty.

You are nothing more than a pawn in his game.

So are the last few loved ones that you still have.

We both know that people are more important to you than politics and war.

We both know that you and your loved ones _will_ die if you continue to fight against me.

Please reconsider and give your loyalty to me.

We would be unstoppable.

With the deepest sincerity,

Lord Voldemort.


	51. 51 Remus again

Dear Lord Voldemort,

You killed my best friend.

And now you're threatening me and my loved ones.

_You_ are scared of death. I am not.

Why should I be?

Everyone dies eventually, but not everyone really gets to live.

Even with twelve years in Azkaban, I have lived.

Because I have loved and been loved deeply;

So, I have lived and I will have my immortality, in the hearts and the memories of the people who love me.

Unlike you.

You're going to die.

Repeatedly.

"For he who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die."

First, killed by a baby.

Second, killed by a couple of school children.

How many more stupid horcruxses like your diary are you hiding?

Because we're going to find them all.

And you're going to die, _over and over again._

How powerful does that make you feel?

.

On a more helpful note, you sound like you have some serious issues to address with Dumbledore.

Did he not appreciate your enough in school?

.

Purely because I am so great and generous, and because I feel sorry for how pathetic and repulsive you are, I have some advice to make you feel less pitiful. Here you go…

*Get a bunch of losers to hang around with; this will make you look popular and cool (Hurt them often, because even they wouldn't stay with you if they weren't scared of you).

*Maybe look extra cool by making up a 'special group name' for your big boy gang. You could play dress-up with matching costumes. Grown men in costumes; everyone will take you seriously then.

*Why not top off the effect with metallic or glittery masks? That will make you look much less pathetic, honestly.

*Change your name. That doesn't scream 'I hate myself' at all.

*'Classy up' your new name with a very Muggle title like 'Lord'. That's got to make you look vastly more pureblood, hasn't it?

Speaking of blood, it is my understanding that 'The Ridddles' are Muggles. As a big fan of blood-mixing I wanted to congratulate you and your slutty mother on that.

Nothing pathetic about you, is there?

Are you sure you want me to 'join you'?

I think you want to _be_ me.

Go sit on your wand,

Snuffles.

P.S.

Don't worry about people laughing at you for getting 'beaten by a baby'.

That just adds to your 'mystique'.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Are you quoting poetry to Lord Voldemort again?

You know how I feel about that.

M.

.

**AN: Thank you for all the reviews! They're fantastic.**

**I have other stories on Fanfiction if you'd like to read them…**

s/8569277/1/The-Maruaders-Save-Christmas

**(A short story for if you are feeling Christmasy)**

s/8547128/1/Huffle-my-puff

**(Just 500 words (M rated for rude puns) Marauder one shot)**

**And…**

s/8501543/1/Long-Before-the-War

**(If you'd like a longer story about the Marauders school days)**

**I hope you like some of them ****.**


	52. 52 Hannah Abbott

Dear Remus,

Unfortunately I think he's going to kill me.

Please accept this heartening piece of Muggle poetry, to read when I am gone.

It has always reminded me of you.

Apart from the 'crawfish' part.

That bit is just strange.

.

"It's easy to cry that you're beaten — and die;  
It's easy to crawfish and crawl;  
But to fight and to fight when hope's out of sight —  
Why that's the best game of them all!  
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,  
All broken and battered and scarred,  
Just have one more try — it's dead easy to die,  
It's the keeping-on-living that's hard."

Love Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

****What is a nice way to tell a boy you like him?

Like that.

A boy who likes toads and plants.

Love Hannah (Abbott)

**AN: The 'Muggle Poetry' is the last verse of Robert Services poem "The Quitter".**


	53. 53 Marietta

Dear Hannah (Abbott),

Last time I was telling a boy who 'likes toads and plants' that I liked him, '_like that'_, I was carrying a rather impressive _Mimbulus Mimbletonia _and an even more impressive handful of frogspawn.

No. Actually that is a lie.

I have never told a boy who 'likes toads and plants' that I like him, '_like that'_.

I have never had call to tell a boy who 'likes toads and plants' I like them in any way, at all.

This is not cool, Hannah (Abbott). Not cool at all.

Why?

Why, why, why do you like Mr Toads 'n' Plants, '_like that_'?

Let's assume that you are just a very nice, sweet and kind girl.

Are you in Hufflepuff by any chance?

Just wondering.

Maybe you should tell him you like him, but not like that?

Maybe you could like him in the 'I'll give you the time of day if you let me copy you're Herbology essays' type of 'like'?

I am understandably suspicious of a boy whose chief interests are toads and plants.

You should be to.

Set your sights a little higher, Miss Hannah (Abbott).

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Do you know anything about scars? I need your help you see.

Did you ever make a really stupid mistake when you were at school?

I am a Ravenclaw and we don't _often_ make mistakes, but I have made a massive one.

My best friend, Cho, wanted to join a secret club called the DA.

It was illegal and I didn't want to do it.

My mum works for the Ministry of Magic, you see, and she was really upset when I told her.

But I did it anyway, because Cho has lost all her other friends and her boyfriend actually died last year.

So I did it for her.

But it was illegal and I felt awful.

So I told a teacher but that set off this horrible jinx. Big red pimples spelling 'SNEAK' appeared right across my face.

Nothing would get rid of them and I kept my face covered up, but now they are scarring and the healer at St. Mungo's said that I would be _scarred forever_.

_Forever_.

I don't think I can live like this.

I am crying just trying to write this letter to you.

Please write back and tell me anything that you think will get rid of these scars.

Sincerely,

Marietta.


	54. 54 Michael yet again

**AN: Sorry about the sudden gap in letters. I was shamelessly writing lots of chapters for my new story about Remus using a Time Turner to save Sirius and then absolutely anyone they want to. Thank you for reviewing. I'm sure I wouldn't bother to post so many letters without all the nice things you say.**

Dear Marietta,

Scars can look excellent, they can look cute, and they can remind you of good times just as much as the bad. They are something more fixed and real than a memory, so you don't forget.

Scars mark you as a survivor.

But none of that counts if they write funny words on your face.

_You have got 'sneak' written on your face!_

And you slightly deserve it.

But let's assume that you are sorry and you will never do anything like this again.

You could try and hide it with a good concealment spell.

But as its part of you, I think you've got to embrace it.

The best thing to do, I have decided, is to add some more writing. So it spells something less obvious, or maybe wise? '_**Sneak**ing is wrong_' for example, or 'I don't **sneak'**?

Better yet, add some extra dots. Change the letter 'n' to a 'h'. Squeeze in an extra 's'.

Now 'sneak' has become 'she's a k…'

You can simply add different 'k' words to suit your mood every day. Why not have fun with alliteration? 'She's a killer kisser' or 'She's a kind kid'. The possibilities are endless, you lucky thing!

As you asked, yes, I made plenty of stupid mistakes when I was at school. But this isn't about me. It's about you.

I don't really think your letter is really about scars either. It is about right and wrong. The DA is illegal and your mum works for the Ministry? That doesn't make betraying your friends and colleagues the right thing to do. Laws are made up by other people, they mean nothing compared to the rules your own heart and conscience lays down for you. Like not betraying a friends trust or telling tales. There is no official punishment for cheating, hurting or betraying people who trust you. You are just meant to know in your heart that it's the wrong thing to do. Why didn't you?

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

You are the most unconvincing Gryffindor ever! You don't even sign your own name on letters and you spend all your time writing.

Anyhow, that's a big compliment from me. Gryffindor's are all idiots!

Anyhow. I like to think I'm pretty hot. The girls love me. I've dated all the girls Harry 'the-boy-who-lived' Potter has, and they all think I'm a better kisser.

Anyhow, the girls like me slightly too much. This Cho who I'm with now won't leave me alone. She cries all the time about her ex-boyfriend (not Potter!) and is no fun. There's a war on. I seriously need a girlfriend who's going to be a lot of fun.

What's a great way to dump a girl? Obviously I don't want to hurt her feelings too much. She's such a mess.

Yours,

Michael Corner.


	55. 55 Ron (on behalf of Crookshanks)

**AN: Sorry about the lack of letters. On the plus side this is not because Sirius Black has fallen through the veil. Thank you again and again for your reviews, follows and faves! I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year.  
**

Dear Michael,

Not allowed to write to me anymore, remember?

You're not a very convincing Ravenclaw, Michael, with your grammatically incorrect 'Gryffindor's are all idiots!' which should clearly have the apostrophe after the s.

I didn't notice this error, myself, because I am vastly too busy being hot-blooded passionately impulsive; because I am clearly and unquestionably _very Gryffindor_ and so have no time for punctuation. But you should have spotted that mistake, because you are a boring and nerdy Ravenclaw.

Also, I am sure you are not a better kisser than Harry Potter, as he is Gryffindor and therefore vastly cooler than you… Although he did describe his first kiss as 'wet'. I am hoping he meant that in some sort of good way.

Stop dating Harry's cast-offs. That's creepy, not cool. And for your information there is no '_great_' way to dump a girl, you pillock.

No more writing to me, remember. You're banned, for being too annoying. And just so you know, you're the only person who's banned and I even accept letters from Lord Voldemort.

Snuffles.

.

…

.

Dear Snuffles,

It pains me to say this but Hermione's cat, Crookshanks, appears to be missing you badly.

Yours,

Ron.


	56. 56 Ron

Dear Ron,

If Hermione dies, I am having Crookshanks.

Just making sure you know.

Love,

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

If you die I'm having your Hippogriff.

Just so you know, as well.

Love,

Ron.

P.S. And Hermione is having your Werewolf, although I'm not sure why. Help with studying stuff, maybe.


	57. 57 Luna

Dear Ron,

No. She's not. But she can have Kreacher.

He can work for S.P.E.W.

Love,

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

I have made you a necklace of Butterbeer corks to protect you from Nargles.

Thanking you for your good advice.

My friends really _are_ too obsessed with reality.

It's sad for them.

Much love,

Luna.


	58. 58 Dobby

Dear Luna,

Thank you.

No one has ever given me a necklace made of Butterbeer corks before.

I have made you a hat, out of folded up bits of newspaper.

I hope you like it, as it took me all morning.

Maybe we could both wear our zany new stuff for a trip to see the nice mental health healer at St. Mungo's?

Love Snuffles.

P.S. I can turn into a dog. Do you have any interesting skills apart from creative jewellery making?

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Dobby is going to propose to Winky.

How does Dobby do it?

Thanking you,

Dobby.


	59. 59 more Dobby

Dear Dobby,

Why? Why are you proposing to Winky, the drunk and chronically depressed house elf who doesn't like you, life or herself?

Love Snuffles.

.

...

.

Dear Snuffles,

Dobby thinks there is not a great deal of choice.

Dobby does not know of any other house-elves who are free to get married.

Dobby is hoping Snuffles will be able to advice him.

Sincerely,

Dobby.

(Free elf)


	60. 60 Luna again

Dear Dobby,

I will order Kreacher to do it.

He'll look fine in a white dress.

Glad to be of help,

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

It's really amazing that you can turn into a dog. That is just like an Umgubular Slashkilter.

You are very lucky!

Have you had any puppies?

And do they sometimes turn into people?

I'd like to have one of the puppies, if you could bare to part with one of them.

Of course I would understand entirely if you want to keep all your puppies with you. I'm sure I would want to too, if I turned into a dog and had lots of puppies, like you.

Thank you for the lovely paper hat, as well. I have been wearing it everywhere.

I have long hair and the paper hat is very good for preventing Nargles getting tangled in it, when I walk under mistletoe.

You are a very thoughtful person.

Please get back to me about the puppies. I would like one as soon as possible please.

Sincerely,

Luna.


	61. 61 Mundungus Fletcher

Dear Luna,

WOW.

Heart-breakingly, I am not in possession of any puppies.

You are clear what I would have to do to an unsuspecting lady dog, to bring about these puppies, aren't you?

Whether the puppies would be able to turn into little children is a very interesting question. Unfortunately, it is a question we are never going to find out the answer to.

Which is a shame, because those puppies would have been so cute.

I hope this isn't too disappointing. If the puppies existed I would be happy to leave them in your care as you are hilarious. I am very glad the hat is still shielding you from Nargles. I am making you a matching newspaper scarf and will enclose it with this letter.

Please, please write again,

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Snuffles,

Want t' sneak out of the house after the next Order meetin'?

Thought we could steal some stuff from Borgin and Burke, flog it, and get wrecked on Firewhiskey with the proceeds.

What do y' think?

Dung.


	62. 62 Molly Weasley

Dear Dung,

I think yes.

Snuffles.

.

**AN: Sirius likes Mundungus! You lot might not, but Sirius _does!_**

**Honestly he does. Dung hasn't got Moody killed yet. And Sirius and Dung have been cannon friends for years. They both spent their childhood in London. And Dung was in Hogsmeade (getting banned from Aberforth's pub) in Sirius's fifth year. (Sirius tells Harry after Dung has told him about Harry's first DA meeting) Dung is one of the only people Sirius tells about Harry having the two way mirrors (Dung takes the other one - and who wants to buy one two-way mirror across the whole of England and Scotland to give it to Aberforth who's banned him from his pub for two decades - Dung _is_ one of Sirius's confidants) and he's one of the three people Dumbledore tells Sirius to find and talk to at the end of GoF (Remus, Mundungus and Arabella Figg - Sirius's 'old crowd'). So yep, they're buddies. Get over it ;)  
**

.

Dear Snuffles,

Anyone would be depressed, stuck in such a grimy house all day.

To stop your moping I will be staying behind after the next Order meeting, to make you give your house a proper scrubbing. Hours of cleaning and you'll feel much less sorry for yourself.

Frankly, your house isn't the only thing that you aren't taking proper care of, is it? You clearly aren't eating either, so I will bring the dinner, and you _will_ sit down and eat it. All. Then we can do something about your hair. I've been cutting all my children's hair for years, and will have no trouble sorting yours out.

An afternoon on your hands and knees scrubbing like a house elf, while my teenage kids mess about with your dead families possessions and rake up your most private and traumatic childhood memories and you'll feel right as rain.

If it doesn't make you feel better straight away, we can do it after every Order meeting until you do feel better.

Don't try to come up with any excuses, it won't wash with me.

Molly Weasley.


	63. 63 Ted Tonks

Dear Molly,

I would just love to do all that cleaning and raking up of old memories, but unfortunately I have some really important business to discuss with Mundungus. Not about anything dodgy, of course. I need to speak to him about being less thief-ish and more becoming more respectable. I'm sure you understand that this is an important thing that I definitely need to do.

So, No, you can't come and force me to scrub my own floors while you cut off clumps of my hair. It took me twelve years to grow it this long and may take equally long to get the knots out.

As this leaves you with nothing to do after the next Order meeting, I suggest that you get in contact with Charlie. I happen to know he has a top-secret girlfriend, who he is trying to stop you from meeting by _pretending she doesn't exist_! Personally I think this is an outrageous way to treat your mother. I can only assume this girl is VERY unsuitable. Do not let him tell you that she doesn't exist. She does and you have every right to meet her.

Extra Sincerely,

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

What the hell do they do to women in your family?

They're all terrifying.

Yours,

Ted Tonks.

PS. Do NOT tell my wife I sent this letter.


	64. 64 Fenir Greyback

Dear Ted,

Your dear wife is my favourite cousin!

It wasn't even a close call.

I definitely like her much better than any of the Malforys.

I even like her more than that psycho-bitch, Bellatrix.

Out of my three lovely cousins, she is definitely my favourite.

.

As to your question, I have absolutely no idea why the ladies of the Black dynasty are all so terrifying.

I think they are born like that.

Perhaps the Black-blood is slightly _too_ pure?

I think the real question here, Ted, is 'what the hell were you thinking?'

You can't choose your family but you _can_ choose who you marry.

You have only yourself to blame.

Love Snuffles.

PS Do NOT tell your wife that I sent _this_ letter.

PPS Tell her she is still my favourite cousin .

.

….

.

Snuffles,

Hey, Little Red Riding Hood.

A wizard that turns into a little whelp of a puppy.

Your existence offends me.

I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.

And then I'm going to eat you up.

Don't sleep easy,

Fenrir.


	65. 65 More Draco

Dear Fenrir,

Wow. Don't you sound like a creepy pervert?

Your existence offends the hell out of me, as well.

I am very fond of red, and do possibly have a, very manly, Gryffindor hooded cloak in that colour. Despite this, I take great offense at being referred to as 'Little Red Riding Hood'. Unlike most of your child victims, I am not remotely little. If you insist that we play Muggle Fairytale dress up, I would rather be the woodcutter that smashes you up with an axe.

Sadly, even if you have the lung capacity to blow down bricks and mortar, you may have trouble with my fidelius charm.

Good Luck with that,

Snuffles.

P.S. Are you sure you aren't the one who should be wearing the little red cape? Is the King of the Werewolves not Voldemort's bitch?

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

History of Magic is just so boring.

I was sitting in History of Magic, just being so bored, thinking about how boring and annoying Harry Potter is.

I just notice that if you took my name and Harry's name and squashed them together,

That would sound like 'Drarry' or 'Haco', depending on which of us comes first.

I was just thinking about it. I wouldn't want to be squashed together with Harry. I hate him. He disgusts me. Have you ever thought about that? Squashing together with another boy? I mean, your names, not actually your bodies squashing together.

I'm sure I was only thinking about it because History of Magic is so boring.

Drarry sound's better than Haco, doesn't it?

Sincerely,

Draco M.


	66. 66 Binns

Dear Draco,

No matter how boring History of Magic is, you are not to daydream about squashing your name or any other part of yourself into Harry. Keep your smutty thoughts to yourself.

No more Drarry for you! Think about Draghorn (That's you and Professor Slughorn), or Alco (That's you and the Head Master, drunk, obviously) instead. Also Vigory (your bestfriends, Vincent and Gregory together), Pissy (That is your girlfriend, Pansy, with your mother, Cissy) and my favourite, Luci-Bucky (And that is your father getting 'squashed' by the Hippogriff that you both tried to have murdered). Think about that next time you get bored in History of Magic.

.

In answer to your enquiry. I did not spend my schooldays seeing what my name would look like squashed into that of other boys. I spent my schooldays with other boys, thinking up funny things to do to Slytherins like you. It would, in fact, have been impossible, as almost every boy in the school had a name that ended in 'us'.*

There was only really James, Peter and Slughorn, and that is enough to keep anyone's mind out of the gutter.

Snuffles.

PS. Drarry sounds better than Haco. But seriously, just 'no'.

.

**AN:** **The problem with 'us'… Sirius, Regulus Arcturus, Remus, Severus, Lucius, Mundungus, Amycus, Bartemius, Cornilius, Rubeus, Silvanus (Professor Kettleburn), Rodolphus, Xenophilius, Quirinus, Augustus (Rookwood), Rufus, and Pius. And even the teachers Albus, Filius, Agrus and Rubeus.**

.

Dear 'Snuffles',

I have confiscated a letter that you sent to Draco Malfoy this morning.

I am concerned.

I have never noticed students being bored in my lessons before.

Do my students really think I am a boring teacher?

Did you?

Yours Sincerely,

Professor Cuthburt Binns.

P.S. My name does not end with 'us' and I was undoubtably teaching in your schooldays.


	67. 67 M

Dear Professor Binns,

Having re-read the confiscated letter, I am concerned that the only thing that concerns you is that Master Malfoy and I are in complete agreement about the boring nature of your lessons.

You really should take the squashing together of boys in your care more seriously.

Despite this, I am glad you have never noticed any of your pupils looking bored.

As I no longer have to attend your classes I suggest you carry on. Children need more boredom in their lives.

One question.

How did a ghost write a letter?

Yours,

Snuffles.

P.S. I also meant to thank you for informing me of the validity of your name in solving the 'us' problem. Clearly I did not give this enough thought in my youth.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles.

Snuffloony?

M

.

**AN: Apologies to those offended. I thought it was too funny to leave out.**


	68. 68 Rita Skeeter

Dear M,

Ha ha.

Muffles!

.

.

Hello Snuffles,

I'm Rita Skeeter! I write for the Daily Prophet. But, of course, you know that, don't you? Sadly, it's you that we don't know. You're quite the enigma, Mr Snuffles. What secrets does your rather fetching name hide? What mysteries do your bizarre letters conceal?

In short, who is Snuffles?

Me, myself and I want to know. Not to mention my avid readers. So, let's start sharing.

Keenly awaiting your reply,

Rita Skeeter.


	69. 69 more from Charlie

**AN: I DIDN'T WRITE THEM! They are from anonymous reviews and are too hilarious. (I'm allowed to say that because I didn't write them). I made Snuffle's slightly ruder – because he has no manners. ;) If you wrote them (and you want to) tell me your name and I'll put it here :)**

.

Dear Rita,

As much as I would love to have a "personal interview" with you, I have a good friend in Romania who would love an interview more. His name is Charlie Weasley, and he is trying to personally (and I do mean _personally_) create a new type of beast called a Magon (that is a man crossed with a dragon). Be sure to ask him about his scorching romantic... experiences.  
Cordially,

Snuffles

P.S. Charlie is also young and single. Make sure to put that in your paper!

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Fred and George owled me about Snuffloony. Apparently you and Moony... did something... last full moon. I have sent a warning to Mum, Tonks, and your godson.  
Good Luck,

Charlie

P.S. Give Luna one of the "puppies".


	70. 70 still Charlie

Dear Charlie,

I did _nothing_ to deserve this.

Keep my name out of your utterly disturbing correspondence, please.

Moony.

PS. If these puppies existed, and I cannot stress sincerely enough that they do not, I am sure we wouldn't give them out to random strangers.

.

**AN: Charlie's letter below was also not written by me but had to be included… **

.

Dear Snuffles,

Why is there a reporter asking me if I have mated with a Norwegian Ridgeback? Anyways, she told me she was sent by "Snuffles". I told her Snuffles's love life was just as 'unique'. Tell Moony I said hi, and to watch out for reporters.  
Pleasantly,

Charlie.


	71. 71 Harry

Dear Charlie,

Do _not_ annoy Moony!

I have to live with him.

That is very inappropriate.

Snuffles.

PS Is it wrong that I want the puppies to exist now?

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Assuming I'm still at school next year, what N.E.W.T.s do you think I should take?

I wanted to be an Auror like my dad, but I'd need to take Potions and I don't think Professor Snape will be willing to have me in his class. He keeps giving me unreasonably low marks.

Bests,

Harry.


	72. 72 Harry again

Dear Harry,

You'll be an excellent Auror, just like your dad.

Snape is clearly just being a git if he's giving you low marks. You have to have Potions to be an Auror. If he doesn't pack it in I'll come up to the school and sort him out.

Also take Charms, Dark Arts and Transfig, plus something useful like Herbology or Magical Creatures.

They can't tell you no, anyway, because you're Harry Potter.

Also, would you like a puppy? I really think we should get some. Not mine, obviously. That would be disturbing and wrong. Just some puppies that need good homes. Grimmauld Place would be much less grim if there were lots of puppies here, wouldn't it?

Snuffles.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

Thanks for the N.E.W.T. advice. McGonegall said the same as you.

Thanks, as well, for offering to buy me a puppy; but I have my owl, Hedwig, and I'm not really going to have time to train one puppy, let alone puppies. Wouldn't Buckbeak just eat any puppies in Grimmauld Place? He's pretty fierce and scoffs ferrets and rats by the sack load. Surely he'd make short work of puppies!

Bests,

Harry.

PS I had a letter from Ron's brother, Charlie. Do you know him? He works in Romania with Dragons. How cool is that? He said to look out for some article about you, in The Daily Prophet. Do you know what that's about?


	73. 73 Moony

Dear Harry,

No. No idea what that's about.

He sounds like a liar.

Let's all refuse to read the Daily Prophet for a couple of weeks, in protest.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

PS I am sure Buckbeak wouldn't eat a puppy! How could you suggest something so horrible.

.

….

.

Dear Snuffles,

You can not have a puppy.

I felt I should clarify this before it gets out of hand.

Also, I do not want you to buy me a puppy for my birthday, Christmas, or just as 'a surprise'.

You are not fit, in any way, to look after a puppy. And I am too busy working undercover and on missions for the Order.

YOU CAN NOT HAVE A PUPPY.

And Harry is right, Buckbeak would eat it.

_Very_ Sincerely,

Moony.


	74. 74 Bellatrix

Dear Moony,

God, you're mean.

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dearest Cousin,

You will do what the Dark Lord tells you, you pathetic family dishonouring Blood Traitor!

I will kill you, Sirius! I will kill you and then I'll laugh!

And dance on your grave!

And spit on it!

And then I'll kill your Godson!

You disgrace our family name!

Do what the Dark Lord tells you!

Bow down and beg him for mercy!

Crawl on your belly like a dog!

Let him Crucio you until you know who your Master is!

You are disgusting!

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs. Bellatrix, Lestrange (formerly Black)


	75. 75 Hagrid

Dear Cousin,

Thank you for your wonderfully crazy letter.

Your utter lunacy makes me look so sane in comparison.

I also very much liked your dog reference. Dogs are great, Bella.

I am hoping that one day you'll get eaten by a pack of them.

As such, I have included an artistic picture of you being eaten by wild dogs, which I drew this morning.

I thought you might like to frame it?

Much love,

Sirius Black

PS Can you be Crucio'd on my behalf? I am stuck behind this Fidelius Charm, and I always got the impression you enjoy it more than me.

PPS You're not a Black, anymore. You're a Lestrange! And isn't it lestrange that I, the disowned blood traitor, am still a Black, spending all that lovely Black inheritance, while you don't even get to use that name anymore? To be honest, Bella, Lestrange suits you _so much_ better.

.

.

.

Dear Hagrid,

Can I have a puppy?

There must be loads of puppies around that really need a grim and dangerous new home.

Please get me a puppy, Hagrid. Pretend you found it somewhere in Hogwarts and that Dumbledore said Remus has to look after it. He'll do it if Dumbledore said he's got to.

Please Hagrid.

I'll swap it for my Lethifold.

You'll love that thing. It's very rare, dangerous and unlovable; just how you like them!

Best keep it outside though.

They're a bit suffocatey, if they think you're asleep.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

PS Remember to tell Remus_ Dumbledore said_ he has to look after it.

PPS Buckbeak will be okay with a puppy, won't he? Hippogriffs are noble and intelligent, so he'll know my puppy isn't for eating, won't he?

**AN:Do you know what a Lethifold is? It looks like a robe and tries to kill you. Although it's not named I assume this is what the purple robe that attacks Ron in OotP is.**


	76. 76 Severus Snape

Dear Snuffles,

'S a matter of fact I'd be happy to take the Lethifold off your hands. Seriously misunderstood creatures, Lethifolds. I admit they can be a bit clingy, if they get hungry, but its codswallop, all that stuff about smothering and digesting of people. Seriously misunderstood creatures, is what they is.

.

Now, about that puppy. Thing is, Snuffles, I've only got Fang. Lovely dog of, course, Fang. A bloody coward, but a lovely dog; wouldn't want to part with 'im for nothing. I asked around and it turns out Fang's been rather 'busy' with a lady dog in Hogsmeade, so there is puppies around, if you're thinking Remus is wanting one.

Thing is, I ran into Remus, this morning and mentioned the puppies to him. Turns out, he's beaten you to it. Said he's already got a pet dog, and one is enough. Rather rudely, I have to admit, said his mutt is a lot more trouble than it's worth.

Tell Buckbeak, I'm still asking after him, and give him a dead ferret from me,

Hagrid.

.

…..

.

Dear 'Snuffles',

It has come to my attention that you have continued to write to my pupils.

I neither know nor care where you get your information from but you are severely testing my patience.

Clearly you are a moral-less and appalling person, amusing yourself by discussing the notion of 'Drarry' with Draco Malfoy himself.

I have been perfectly clear.

Should you continue to write to my pupils, I will deal with it severely.

Mr Severus Snape,

Head of Slytherin House,

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.


	77. 77 Arabella Figg

Dear Professor,

It has come to my attention that you have very greasy hair.

I neither know nor care what sort of shampoo you are currently using but you are severely testing everyone's ability to keep a straight face in your greasy presence.

Clearly you are a hygiene-less and smelly person, amusing yourself by using the greasy discharge of your head to stop all the hinges in Hogwarts squeaking.

You have not been perfectly clear. You have been perfectly greasy.

Should you continue to get grease on your pupils, _I_ will deal with _that_ severely.

Mr Snuffles,

Head of the 'We Hate Slytherin House' Society,

Snuffles's School of Wit and Wizardry.

PS How will you deal with me severely? Will you wipe grease on me?

PPS For the record, I was _objecting_ _strongly_ to the notion of 'Drarry' or as I like to call is 'Potty' (that is Potter and Malfoy – a disgusting combination but an amusing amalgam)

.

**AN: This is an almost exact copy of the letter Snape sent to Sirius. I figured Sirius was infantile enough to change Snape's own words, to make it about Severus's hair. Do you think it's alright? **

.

Dear Snuffles,

I heard you wanted a puppy.

Can I tempt you to a kneezle/cat cross instead? They're much nicer.

Love,

Figgy.


	78. 78 Xenophilius Lovegood

**AN: Sorry about the lack of letters! I've had no internet for **_**so**_** long :( **

**Xenophilius's letter took me AGES. All quotes and statements ARE CANNON, although some are quotes, from Stan to Harry. Poor Sirius only wanted a puppy.**

**Thank you so much to all the people who reviewed while I was off line. You are the greatest! :D**

.

Dear Figgy,

I want a puppy!

Not a cat!

Or a keezle!

Or a cat/keezle cross!

A puppy!

With a waggy tail and a wet nose.

Please get me a puppy, Figgy.

Love Snuffles.

P.S. Yes, I will also have a cat/keezle cross, thank you. Preferably one that's not scared of Hippogriffs. Cat/keezle crosses are pretty excellent, as well, just don't stop working on getting me the puppy. I definitely do need one.

.

o0o

.

Dear Snuffles,

It's me, Xenophilius Lovegood! Hello there!

Do you use The Daily Prophet as toilet paper? We do in my house!

It's very economical.

I really don't know why more people don't.

I noticed, moments before I 'used' an old article, Minister Fudge was quoted describing you as **'the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress…** **Voldemort's 'right-hand man'** and '**his second in command'**.

I was surprised to hear this. That you were **the most** infamous criminal EVER held in Azkaban during its long history.

Disinherited and a blood-traitor. **Why would you be Voldemort's favourite**? No one thought Pettigrew was Voldemort's favourite. He had to hide from Voldemort's followers, **because whichever of you was the secret keeper, lead Voldemort to his death.**

**I realised** **there was a MYSTERY here!**

Fudge also said, '**the** **Prime Minister … will not breathe a word of Black's true identity … who'd believe him if he did?'**

I'd send you this fascinating article but of course I used it as toilet paper as soon as I'd finished reading.

Happily, I have figured out your '**true identity'!**

**You** are **Voldemort's illegitimate son!**

.

That's why **everyone believed you'd betrayed your best friend**!

That's why **even Dumbledore didn't try to get you a trial**!

That's **why your parents are glaring away from each other on your family tree**!

And **why Tom Riddle named the Death Eaters 'the Knights of Walpurgis'** **after your mother, Walburga**, who he must have loved since they were in Slytherin House, in school together, (just one year apart).

And that is why **you and Tom Riddle are physically almost identical! **(both tall, slim and elegant, with jet black hair, pale skin and handsome faces)

That's **why your parents liked your younger (**_**legitimate)**_** brother better**.

That is why he was meant to inherit and you (**the illegitimate non-pureblood) were disinherited**.

And that is why Severus Snape always smirks about you being **in your 'mothers' house**, instead of **your parent's house!** (Harry told Luna. He'd been told the house was inherited down the male line)

Do they all know why Snape took such amusement at describing it as just 'your mother's house' in front of your Godson, and the whole Order of The Phoenix?

So, yay! I have solved the mystery of your 'true identity'!

**You are Voldemort's illegitimate son**!

I am making it **the main article in the latest copy of the Quibble!**

**You and Tom Riddle's young handsome faces are on the front cover! ** (people will want to see why you are described quite identically - aside from you 'having your mothers eyes', just like Harry!)

Speaking of Harry, I'm writing to you in case you wanted to mention this to him or to anyone else **before the Quibbler goes to print, this evening.**

I hope you appreciate all my hard work.

Xenophilius Lovegood.


	79. 79 Minerva McGonagall

Dear Xenophilius Lovegood,

Hello, to you too.

Thank you for your (remarkably informative) letter regarded your planned article about my parentage.

While the concept of my snooty mother doing the dirty with a Muggle-raised half-blood is reasonably hilarious, I am going to have to politely request that you do not publish your undeniably entertaining article.

This is obviously because this is a 'big secret'.

Only you, me and the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks must ever know about it.

'Shhhh' Mr Lovegood. Don't let The Ministry find out! Or they'll want to catch me… even more? than they already do.

Much love to your splendid daughter,

Snuffles.

PS. Write an article about the Romanian dragons instead. My good friend, Charlie Weasley (who is married to a dragon and is trying to start a family), told me that he feeds the dragons 'Hufflepuffs'.

Please feel very free to quote him. He said "Hufflepuffs are friendly but stupid - an ideal dragon food! They walk up to the dragons to try and make friends.'

I was appalled, but Charlie thought it was hilarious. If I remember correctly, he laughed evilly and said something about eating 'Hufflepuffs' himself.

.

.

.

Dear 'Snuffles'

It seems like only yesterday that your idiotic behaviour turned my perfectly pleasant teaching job into the_ seven _**longest** years of my life.

It pains me greatly to send a begging letter, but I AM _begging_ you.

Albus intends to ask you to co-teach my N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration classes.

We have already had teachers who are Death Eaters, a Werewolf, a Centaur, a ghost and a Sadistic Ministry Official but apparently we have never had a (borderline insane) escaped criminal before.

While I admire Albus' enthusiasm for appointing untrained and unsuitable teachers, (part of his 'charm') NO, Sirius. Just NO. You are NOT, under any circumstances to accept an invitation to come to Hogwarts and co-teach my classes. We would fight like cats and dogs.

Very Sincerely,

Ms. Minerva McGonagall,


	80. 80 Molly

Dear Minnie (It is fine to call you that now that we are not teacher and student, isn't it?)

I have not yet heard from Albus about this marvelous plan but please do not be alarmed at the idea of 'co-teaching' with me! I have some simply splendid ideas to 'improve' your current teaching methods.

When I was teaching myself to become a _fifteen year old _animagus, I found drinking lots of Firewhiskey was a great help. I am betting you haven't tried this technique in your classroom yet.

Also, there was a lot of running around in the Forbidden Forest, naked (like a dog, you see?).

That was always hilarious.

Technically I am not certain if the nakedness or the Firewhiskey actually 'helped' develop my animagus ability, but it was definitely a lot of fun. Co-teaching will be so much fun for you, Minnie!

Also, I have to tell you that it is very, _very,_ boring, being stuck on my own in Grimmauld Place. Harry is at school and Remus keeps going off on (he claims) Werewolf Missions.

If I had something like **a puppy** to play with, I would probably be perfectly content to stay here, amusing myself. But unless I get a puppy, pretty soon, I will definitely be wanting to inflict my energy and enthusiasm for Transfiguration on you and your students.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

P.S. The Magical Menagerie (North Side, Diagon Alley) has been known to sell magical puppies (if you're ever tempted to buy one)

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

My son does not eat people.

Sincerely,

Molly


	81. 81 Charlie, the Cannibal Dragon-Lover

Dear Molly,

I refer you to the article in this month's Quibbler.

I am as disturbed by this as you are.

Snuffles

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

I have just received a very small owl from my family, carrying a very large (and fictitious) article entitled 'Charlie Weasley, The Cannibal Dragon Lover'.

I am shocked, Snuffles.

Our dragons are never allowed to eat people!

We feed them unwanted dogs.

Dogs actually _are_ friendly and stupid – making them an ideal dragon food! They really do walk up to the dragons, to try and make friends with them; wagging their little tails behind them.

I heard that you wanted a puppy, so I took some moving photos of the cuter homeless puppies we have here, in case you wanted one of them (please find photos enclosed with this letter).

Unfortunately then I fed them all to the dragons.

Still, they went to their doom wagging their tails (all pathetically hopeful and friendly).

Enjoy the photos, anyway!

Charlie.


	82. 82 Lord Voldermort

Dear Charlie,

You are a despicable and horrible man!

You are going on the list of people not allowed to write to me, with Michael Corner.

This isn't over, I just haven't thought of anything awful enough to do to you, yet.

Snuffles.

P.S. Do NOT feed that little owl to your stupid Dragons. It is sweet and harmless.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Are you my son?

Sincerely,

Lord Voldemort

(The Dark Lord)


	83. 83 Moony

Dear father,

Yes. You owe me 36 Birthday and Christmas presents.

(I do actually want a puppy, if you're offering, although not seventy two of them)

(That would be stupid)

(Or ace, I suppose, depending on how you look at it)

(Seventy two mini-Padfoots...)

Also, please stop being so embarrassing.

I know parents are traditionally meant to be, but you are worse than the last two (and they were never going to win any parenting awards).

Yours (not very) sincerely,

Your son (and heir?),

Snuffles.

PS. Technically you _should_ know if you're my father or not. (just saying)

.

.

.

Dear Padfoot,

When I am not at home, it is my understanding that your chief hobbies are 'spending time with your Hippogriff' and 'getting drunk'.

Who would walk a puppy?

Puppies need fresh air and freedom to run around in the sunshine.

You, more than anyone, should know that.

I know that you are bored and unhappy, and that you spend too much of your time lost in your own thoughts; but making a little puppy a prisoner of this house, wouldn't make you feel better, Padfoot. I know it wouldn't.

Please don't think I am being unkind, putting my foot down, about this. You are in no position to look after a puppy, at the moment.

Once Peter is recaptured and your innocence is proven, you won't have to stay here anymore. You can go, in person, to choose any puppy you want.

That time will come, Sirius. I promise it will,

Moony.


	84. 84 Albus Dumbledore

Dear Moony,

Put your foot down!?

This is my house. You aren't allowed to 'put your foot down'.

I bet you that Figgy and McGonegall _will_ get me puppies.

There's a possibility that Voldemort will as well.

Why are you so much meaner than them?

Love,

Snuffles.

PS _So mean_.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Who can blame Orion Black for putting 'every security measure known to wizard-kind' on his house when your mother was so 'friendly' with the Dark Lord! Clearly Grimmauld Place is very safe but 'nowhere is safer than Hogwarts'. So, I have had an inspirational idea!

I would like to offer you a position as 'Transfiguration Professor' at our prestigious school.

As you know, Professor McGonegal works very hard (Deputy Head and Head of Gryffindor House) and would surely appreciate you taking over her N.E.W.T. classes. She can be your 'assistant', while you learn the ropes.

I've already recruited a Centaur, a half-giant, a Werewolf, a ghost, a half-goblin, a (ex) Death Eater and a squib, but I've never employed an 'escaped convict' before (unless you count Barty Crouch Jr - and that was entirely accidental).

Please let me know, by return owl, if you would be willing to join our team of committed and enthusiastic teachers, to start September 1st (teachers must arrive to prepare lessons etc on August 29th)

I am sure it would be a wonderful surprise for Harry to find you teaching at the school, and Remus can look after Grimmuld Place, so that will be fine.

Looking forward to your reply,

Albus.

P.S. Remember you can't choose your parents, Sirius, and you'll _never_ be a chip off that block! But if it makes you feel any better people did always say Tom Riddle was very charming and handsome, when he was younger, so it's not all bad!

P.P.S. As I've heard you drive a hard bargain, I should inform you that the pay isn't great, and you _do_ have to be polite to Professor Snape, but you will be shaping the future of a new generation of Wizarding children (and I will buy you a puppy).


	85. 85 More from Moony

**AN:Thank you for the reviews! :D They are SO nice to get! I won't be going AU with this story - Sirius will go to the Death Chamber to protect Harry and fall through the veil :(**

**I thought the teaching offer was okay because it doesn't actually contradict anything in cannon. Albus does like to employ 'unusual' teachers, and we don't KNOW what Sirius' plans were for September. Presumably he's pretty good at Transfiguration (if he could become an animagus at fifteen) and I like the idea that he might have been planning to surprise Harry, because he wanted to be near him and keep him safe.**

Dear Albus,

I am NOT Voldemort's Lovechild!

My own parents were bad enough.

Despite that; yes, I will definitely come and teach N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration.

That will be excellent.

Please don't tell Harry. I will very much like to surprise him in September.

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

You have asked Arabella Figg, Minerva, Hagrid and me for puppies.

You have asked Lord Voldemort for _seventy two_ puppies.

And you have accepted a bribe of one puppy from Albus.

I (I can assure you) will _not_ be buying you a puppy.

This brings the total number of puppies you have requested down to seventy six.

_SEVENTY SIX puppies!_

And NOW you have accepted _a live-in job_ at Hogwarts?

**Who is going to walk your seventy six puppies, Sirius?**

**Who is going to stop them getting eaten by Buckbeak, house-train them, de-flea them and teach them?**

This is precisely why you should never be allowed near ink and parchment.

Utterly Sincerely,

Moony

(P.S. This is a letter because I am vastly too cross to speak to you in person)


	86. 86 Molly

Dear Moony.

You, Moony! You can play with my lovely puppies and have all their love and licky kisses, until I get back!

And let's be honest, I can't see even Albus being insane enough to employ me to teach children for more than a term. But what a hilarious term it will be! It will be legend, for centuries to come!

I do expect you to take this responsibility very seriously, Moony. I don't want any puppies getting accidentally eaten by Buckbeak. You must keep them with you, at all times, and count them frequently. And make sure they all get equal love and cuddles and kisses. Puppies are so lovely, aren't they, Moony?

I don't suppose Lord Voldemort will actually send me all my puppies. He hasn't been a very proactive father to date, has he? But I still imagine we will get three or four puppies, Moony. It is _very_ exciting isn't it? I wonder what colours they will be, and if they will be boys or girls!

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

I may have had a little too much Firewhiskey, for my sore throat, but I'm going to say this anyway.

Firewhiskey is good for colds, mixed with Lemon and honey; something I am sure your mother never taught you.

It's knowing little things like that which make a good mother, and that is what Harry needs. I know you think I'm an interfering old witch (I am, but it is with all the best intentions).

Please stop asking Albus to let Harry stay with you. You forget he isn't his father half the time; you are still recovering from your ordeal in Azkaban, and I can't count the number of times I've found you passed out drunk.

Harry needs the happy family life that Lily never had the chance to give him, and the Dursleys chose not to.

He has so much on his young shoulders. Please support me in this, and encourage him to stay at the Burrow, when I suggest it.

Sincerely,

Molly.


	87. 87 Ted Tonks

Dear Molly,

I read your letter out to my mother. Regrettably she believes such knowledge as 'cold cures' should be left to the House Elves.

This was the most helpful advice she's ever imparted to me and I have devoted the morning to reading, '_The House-Elf's Book of Practical Household Management'_ AND '_The Best of House-Elves Household Tips'_.

I challenge you to a Household Management Duel; which I will win, as you have many children constantly messing up your house and I have one Hippogriff (who can't fit through his doorway) and a (reasonably tidy) werewolf.

(This experiment will be conducted before the arrival of my puppies)

I now know _seventeen_ cures (Muggle and Wizard) for symptoms of the common cold. How many do you know, Mrs Weasley?

In regards to your (slightly drunken) letter:

How can you possibly suggest you are better equipped to care for Harry, because I occasionally drink alcohol, in a letter than _began_ by stating that you were off your face on the FireWhiskey?

I can assure you that a nice hot infusion of '_Ginger, Cinnamon, and crushed Fairywings'_ would have soothed your throat just as well, without leaving you in this drunken state. Have you considered crushed Pepper Imps in a spoonful of honey? That is '_particularly good for the younger child, who may be unwilling to consume a more adventurous potion_'.

I am, in all honesty, still recovering from twelve years in Azkaban, but I would never let this be a problem for Harry. And I _never_ confuse him with his father. I have heard you stumble over your children's names, when you are angry; I have seen you confuse Fred for George, but _never_ have I assumed this meant you loved any of your children the less.

I loved James and I love Harry.

_I love Harry,_ and that is something no book can teach you about looking after children or teenagers.

I would die to keep him safe and happy.

I love Harry. Everything else I can learn.

Sincerely,

Snuffles.

PS I hope you do realise how grateful I am that you were there to love him, when I wasn't. I am also very grateful that you never 'beat him with a broom', as I heard you did to Fred.

PPS Lay off the Firewhiskey – at least while the children are home for the holidays! I have a whole chapter on '_If the Lady of the house is overly fond of a tipple'_ if you'd like any help with that.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Hope you're well and not too bored.

I've just had a thought; Cockroach Clusters, Blood Lollies and Vomit and Earwax Flavour Beans!?

Have you considered trying some of our Muggle treats? They are SO much nicer than Wizard treats!

Also, warmed beer, with butter in?! You know that is disgusting, right?

Your Muggle-born cousin-in-law,

Ted.


	88. 88 Just a quick one from Harry

Dear Ted,

What an excellent idea. I have never tried 'Muggle' confectionary before. Vast amounts of sugar, caffeine and Muggle alcohol would definitely make the time pass faster; although I am not sure that cold beer would be very pleasant. Wouldn't the butter 'set' on the top like a greasy yellow crust?

Yours,

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles.

Just a quick one.

Have you ever been in-love?

(If it's not a personal question)

Also, how did you know?

My aunt Petunia always talked about people cheating and getting divorced. Do you think that's more of a 'Muggle' problem; because all the Wizards that I know seem to have got together young and stayed together through thick and thin. Do you think it will be like that for me and my friends, as well?

Bests,

Harry.


	89. 89 'Cause you didn't answer the question

Dear Harry,

My rather splendid copy of 'The House-Elf's Book of Practical Household Management' has a wealth of tips for ensuring good relations within the household. I think the gist of it is to be very rich, have a lot of House-elves to do everything, and to marry someone of the same social status as one's self.

My parents, (who owned this book) were second cousins, with money and many House-elves. They did have a long (if unhappy) marriage. But pure-blood families are old fashioned. They arrange their children's marriages and take no consideration for their son's or daughter's feelings.

Lots of our relationships did crumbled under the pressure of the war, or ended in death or separation. Only the strongest survived the horror of those years. We clung to each other a little tighter and a little more appreciatively than people who have gone through less.

Bests,

Snuffles

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

That _is_ interesting.

Although Draco is a stuck up git, he's been with his girlfriend for forever. They're equally horrible and definitely deserve each other. Surely his parents wouldn't totally disregard this and make him marry someone completely different?

Also, you didn't actually answer my question.

Have you ever been in love?

Bests,

Harry.


	90. 90 Yet another one from Harry

Dear Harry,

Draco Malfoy is going to marry some pureblood called 'Astoria Greengrass'.

Don't feel sorry for him. He'll grow up to be just like his father, who is just like his father. He will have a splendidly pureblood son, who will grow up to be just like him as well.

Be glad your own father (and grandfather) fought so hard against that being done to you.

Very best,

Snuffles.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles.

Astoria Greengrass is at Hogwarts! Draco never speaks to her. It would be creepy if he did. She's only about twelve!

You didn't end up like your father. Maybe there is hope for everyone?

Speaking of fathers; I have a copy of the May issue of The Quibbler. I know Xenophillius makes up most of that rubbish

BUT

You would have mentioned something that major to me, wouldn't you?

Bests

Harry


	91. 91 Harry needs to know

**AN:Sorry about re-posting. I am an idiot :(  
**

Dear Harry.

YES_._

Yes. I'm pretty sure I would have mentioned it, if I was the son of Voldemort.

I didn't end up like my family, because I am the exception that proves the rule.

Anyway, I've changed my mind. I think you should tell Draco Malfoy how sorry you feel for him and how much you pity him, preferably very loudly and right in the middle of dinnertime, in the Great Hall. That is always the best time for publicly humiliating people!

Love

Snuffles

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

I actually feel sorry for Draco now. And that's your fault.

But that's not important.

**I really need to know about this love business!**

I really do, so please write back soon.

Bests,

Harry


	92. 92 Still Harry

Dear Harry,

Why would you possibly 'actually need to know' about my love life?

Just asking,

Snuffles

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Ha ha!

Now I want to know!

Anyway, I meant, I actually need to know how you knew you were in love, which was what I asked you the first time!

Because I think _I_ might be in-love, you see.

Love,

Harry


	93. 93 Tonks, with an excellent idea

Dear Harry,

Excellent. I am perfectly happy to talk about other peoples love-lives!

How can you tell if you're in love?

Say, for example, we were talking about Ginny Weasley.

That girl has _six_ older brothers, Harry. Six brother who will want to kill you, if you ever let her down.

I don't even know _anyone_ else who has that many older brothers.

Also, there is a lot of truth in the saying that girls grow up to be just like their mothers.

Think about that carefully, for a minute.

Think properly, please.

Picture it, in romantic (even graphic, naked) situations, with yourself.

_Just like their mothers._

If you still think it's a good idea, then it's probably True Love.

Snuffles.

PS I really haven't the slightest idea how to _tell_ if you're in-love. My House-elf books are not very helpful on the topic; although they do have a good 'Tonic for the Love-sick Wizard' made from fingernails and green tea! Remus says absence strengthens real love and destroys imitations, just like wind fans a real fire and blows out a candle. So I guess, if you still love her after you've been dragged off to sort Voldemort out, then you can safely say it's the real thing.

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

You know you're always complaining about how boring and depressing your life is, stuck inside Grimmuld Place?

Well, you can't leave, but Remus can!

So, why don't you suggest he comes to stay with us for a bit?

I've got a week off work and we'll have a right laugh.

Love,

Tonks

PS Don't even think about writing back with some stupid lie about why he can't come.

PPS I'll buy you a puppy to keep you company.


	94. 94 Tonks

Dear Tonks,

You can't just bribe me with puppies. I do have some integrity.

Anyway, Remus can't come. He's very busy keeping me amused and making me cups of tea while I'm busy writing to ungrateful people like you; and he's busy staying alive behind the Fidelius Charm.

Pettigrew, Bellatrix and Voldemort have killed everyone else of any emotional value to me; so let's leave Harry safe in Hogwarts and Remus behind the Fidelius Charm, so we all know where we are.

Besides, you do realise that would be as much fun as inviting your Professor, to a party in your dorm room, don't you?"

.

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

Wow! And I hadn't even thought of it like that, before!

If 'Professor' Lupin had been teaching when I _ was _at Hogwarts, I would have definitely needed to stay after class for some 'one-on-one tuition', if you know what I mean, Snuffles!

Anyway, Professor Lupin will be quite safe, staying in a flat with three trained Aurors.

Ask him if he'll come over for a couple of days and I'll buy you two puppies, Snuffles.

Much love, from your cousin (who is apparently not included in your list of people of 'emotional value' to you),

Tonks.


	95. 95 Tonks again

Dear Tonks,

No, no and no.

I won't.

Sincerely,

Your cousin (who of course loves you very much), Snuffles

.

.

Dear Snuffles,

You are a spoilt, self-centred git; a rubbish friend to Remus and a crap cousin, as well!

Cease wallowing in self-pity and think how Remus feels, for five minutes.

If I was stuck in that house having to look at your sullen sulky face day in day out, I'd poison your tea.

Much love,

Tonks.


	96. 96 Mad-eye Moody

Dear Tonks.

If I was stuck in this house with you, I'd drink it.

Snuffles

.

~o0o~

.

Dear Snuffles,

Who thinks getting help for their problems from you is a good idea?

There are actual dogs, better equipped to give advice than you, boy!

Lupin is invited to my Auror's safe house.

You're not.

That's how it is.

Get over it.

Moody.


	97. 97 Remus

Dear Moody,

Thank you for your lovely letter.

My advice is ace.

Here, take a look, I have some for you;

1) Don't ever shout in my face when I am addressing my Godson again, or I will beat you round the head with your own metal leg.

2) Don't thrust pictures of orphaned children's dead parents at them, and point out all their friends and the horribly gruesome ways they were murdered. That doesn't make a child take his own mortality seriously; it makes him upset. Nor does it prepare him for the possibility of his own friend's deaths. Nothing prepares you for that; you stone-hearted arsehole.

3)Despite being locked in Azkaban for twelve years, my advice is based on compassion, love and loyalty, and when you have skills like mine, you don't _need_ common sense, life experience, or 'constant vigilance'!

4) You're great at 'surviving', Alastor; just like you were great at torturing information out of your captives, and using the Killing Curse with impunity, when needed. But surviving (as twelve years in Azkaban taught me well) can be its own torture. You have to let people close to you, even knowing they might die on you. Otherwise surviving is lonely and pointless.

There. Is that enough of my stupid advice for you?

I am very glad you care enough about my dear cousin to write your rude letter. I take it as proof that you do still care about someone.

Why don't you go to the party with Tonks? I am Albus' _prisoner_ in this house; and Lupin is a prisoner of his own niceness and loyalty. So let me have him, and bugger off, the lot of you. Not for all the puppies in the world will I back down on this.

Snuffles.

PS Keep asking and my (newly discovered) father will hear about this!

.

~o0o~

.

Dear Snuffles,

Will you _please_ stop writing for five minutes and eat something.

And clean out your Hippogriff, it _reeks_ up there.

Also, I ran into Nymphadora and she asked (begged?) me to go to some sort of party with a load of the other Order Members on the 18th of June.

She is rather persistent (a Black family trait maybe?) and I think it might look awfully rude, not to at least show my face.

Will you manage to live without me for an hour or so?

Moony

**.**

**AN: **_**18**__**th**__** June**_** :(  
**


	98. 98 Aberforth

Dear Moony,

Yes. Of course I will.

I don't chew the furniture when you leave the house for more than an hour.

You probably should go out more.

There only has to be one prisoner in this house.

Snuffles.

PS Have fun. You probably do deserve to.

**.**

**~o0o~**

**.**

Dear Snuffles,

There is nothing wrong with loving goats, is there?

Yours,

Aberforth Dumbledore.

**AN: **_**(I got it off Harry Potter Wiki!) 18**__**th**__** June is the very bad day, with the Battle in the Department of Mysteries, and the Veil etc etc… **_

_**Aberforth as requested :)**_


	99. 99 Sluggy

Dear Aberforth.

What an interesting question.

I am quite certain there is nothing wrong with loving goats. They are rather lovable little animals, deserving of respectful and loving homes.

If, on the other hand, this question relates more to the rather unsavoury incident involving your 'inappropriate charming of goats', I am only sorry that I missed it.

Anything that outrages the Wisgamot enough to _prosecute_ you, was probably excellent!

Before you barred my dear friend Mundungus from your pub (unkindly, but not undeservedly) during my OWL exams, we liked your pub very much. You clearly cared a great deal about the genuine happiness of goats; more so than any other man I have ever met.

Clearly you are a bit of a weirdo, but I have decided you are a well-intentioned one.

Yes, it is fine to love goats.

I think.

Sincerely, Snuffles.

PS But only in the nice innocent way that little girls love kittens.

…Or Puppies.

…I do love Puppies.

.

~o0o~

Dear Snuffles,

How do you fancy coming to a sneaky dinner party at The Slug Club, old boy?

Always seemed such a shame that you didn't make it into my House, and I know plenty of the young whipper-snappers would love to hear about your escapades in the First Wizarding War.

Obviously, only the best and brightest of Hogwarts students will be in attendance, and I've vetted them all personally, so no worries about your personal safety.

These boys and girls are all top notch.

Once this business with Pettigrew is straightened out, you'll be a rather eligible and influential fellow; Last of the Black lineage and all that!

Looking forward to your reply, awfully,

Yours Sincerely,

Horace (Sluggy)


End file.
